Wow! I am forever marked!

What a privilege the last few weeks at school have been. First we had the Helsers come and lead worship and teach, then we had Heidi Baker teach and finally we had Randy Clark, including attending his Healing and Impartation School. Wow! Papa used both Heidi and Randy to mark me in different ways and then he used a 3rd year student to undo me with 5 little words. I will never be the same and will be forever grateful to Papa for his faithfulness and love to me. 

So, first to Heidi's visit, basically she invited us in to see what her secret place is like. She invited us to focus purely on Jesus and to keep pressing in with just our voices. There was such a beautiful presence in the room as 1100 students pressed in for more of Jesus, he is so amazing and his presence is so sweet. Heidi taught for a little while about his presence being the key, that is, if we live in his presence we can face anything. As she was speaking and I was on my knees I felt a question stirring in my spirit, do you love me more than you love your life?

Wow! As I got on the floor in my room after school the honest answer was I don't know, sometimes, maybe but most times probably not. This was not the answer I wanted to be giving but I realised I didn't fully know what was meant by the question, so I asked! The answer was two fold, was I willing to lay down anything in my life for the sake of Jesus and was I willing to lay down my life for Jesus? As Papa asked me these questions I knew I would not have life in all its fullness until I could say a wholehearted yes to both parts. I finally realised the truth of what it means to lose your life in order to find it. Wow!

The answer to the first part is yes, I truly believe that there is nothing in my life (time, money or possessions) that I would not willingly stop doing, give away, sell or start doing if Papa asked. This has been part of my journey this year as recorded in other posts. The answer to the second part is not so straight forward, am I willing to lay down my life for Jesus. I want to say yes, every part of my being says the answer must be yes but is that truly where I am? Am I truly fully surrendered and fully yielded? The answer is no and I know the answer is no because there are times when I do not step out and take risk when I feel him calling me to. Yes, I take risks lots but not every time he asks and until I am always obedient then I am not fully yielded or surrendered. Thankfully, I am closer (much closer) than I was and my heart's desire is to be able to declare in all sincerity, 'all I am is yours Jesus, whatever the cost'. Thankfully too, my Papa is committed to getting me there!

So that was Heidi, next came Randy Clark and as a school we were blessed to have him teach us for a day before we got to attend the conference. I lived his teaching because he taught on the thrill of victory but more importantly on the agony of defeat. It was amazing to hear someone speak so openly and share the stories of those that did not get healed, the heartbreaking ones you need to be able to move on from if you are to see healing. All the stories were of children and they all obviously left a mark on Randy and though they were hard to hear they were also so encouraging. No-one sees everyone they pray for healed but if you never pray for anyone then no-one will ever gets healed.

In the evening he held an impartation (transference of anointing) service and I was very excited. One of the words I have been given time and time again is that I am a fire starter, called to impart gifts to people and to stir up the giftings they have within them so that they can fulfil their destiny. As a result of this, once I knew I was coming to BSSM, I said to God if that word is true I want Randy to lay hands on me if he comes to school. I told a few people that he would do this while still in Leicester though I had no idea whether it was a possibility or not. However, I was very excited for this service believing that he would lay hands on me. When you consider there were about 1700 students there (first and second year) then the likelihood was in reality quite slim!

Randy taught on impartation and what it meant and its biblical basis, then he invited Holy Spirit. Within moments there were a number of students who were visibly being touched very strongly by Holy Spirit and Randy called about 15 or 20 out to pray for them. I was not included, either in being visibly touched by Holy Spirit or being called out. Then Randy walked down the aisle I was in and prayed for some people but walked past me. I just said to Papa, if the word to me is true then let Randy lay hands on me and pray. I knew the conference was on for 2 days but I was volunteering for most of it which meant I would not really have another opportunity. Suddenly Randy has hold of my left hand and is praying for God to impart more to me as I look at my housemate in shock and slid down my chair to the floor!

To be honest I was surprised, partly because I had thought my chance had gone and partly because I was on the floor. I did not feel pinned to the floor but at the same time I was full of peace and I did not want to get up. After a couple of minutes my feet got hot and I felt Papa say he was anointing my feet to carry the gospel. Then I got a pins and needles type sensation in my left hand and I felt Papa say he was anointing me for healing and to be a firestarter. Wow! Next I started doing occasional crunches, it felt odd and I could not quite work out if it was me or not me, it was strange but I was still full of peace. It went on for a few minutes and as it did I felt Papa say that I was birthing the things he had anointed me for. Wow! Evangelism, healing and fire starting, what a combination, especially as I already carry the mantle of encourager!

After I got home I sat on my bed and asked Papa how much of the night had been him and how much me, instantly I got pins and needles in my left hand and had my answer! Thank you Papa.

The conference was amazing and I saw and heard of more miracles in those 2 days than I had previously in my life. Metal disappeared, a foot got straightened, Lyme disease symptoms were healed and much more. I prayed for one lady whose left hand was numb and she got full feeling back. It was still good the next day when I found her to check! I also prayed for a man who was lactose intolerant and he found me the next day to tell me he had milk in his coffee that morning and had no allergic reaction. Praise Jesus, by his stripes we are healed and thankfully he is the same yesterday, today and forever!

Now to my last little story, not nearly as dramatic as the first two but it marked me just as much. One of the evenings I was ushering there was a slight disagreement between myself and another usher, as the other usher walked of a 3rd year intern Justin came up and asked if I was okay, the other usher returned and when asked by Justin what was wrong said it was none of his business and left. Then, just before he went off to find his seat, Justin turned to me and said, 'you're worth fighting for'. Wow! This young intern had just undone me with 5 small words and I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom. Wow! I never knew that I wanted to know that I was worth fighting for but thankfully Papa did and he allowed a situation to occur so I could be told. How amazing! I'm still processing this with Holy Spirit because it is so new to me but it has given me a new confidence and I am excited to see where he leads me with it. Maybe I will write more in a future post.

It's been a busy but amazing couple of weeks and I will never be the same again and I am so thankful to God for blessing me with this wonderful season at Bethel. I pray that you were encouraged, challenged and blessed as you read and I pray that God will draw you closer, that he will undo and that you will be forever changed, however that looks for you. Be blessed.

Taking risk and stepping out boldly!

My desire is to dive into the deepest depths of God's heart, to find the things that I know he has hidden for me there, to know him better and therefore, to love him more! This is my life's goal to seek God and his kingdom first in everything, this is what it is all about. The amazing thing is that I cannot earn it or merit it, I cannot do anything to make it happen except respond to his love which he has freely poured out on me. The depths I dive to does depend on my obedience but the more I know his love for me the easier it is to be obedient quickly, even in the harder things! 

I'm not there yet but am excited that I am closer now than I was even just a couple of weeks ago. This post is about my journey in stepping out and taking risks with the people we meet on the street. I hope you are encouraged and blessed.

I have always found it easy to speak to people on the street, to just love on them right where they are at, to encourage them and draw out the gold in them. The harder thing for me has been moving from here to bringing healing or salvation, even when I have known that Holy Spirit has said is right to do so. It's not that I never do it but often I would feel like I made such a mess of it that I wondered why I ever tried. However, a few weeks ago at Friday Night Strikes I got to share the gospel and see someone step into new life. Wow!

As a team we went to Safeways and on the way in I spoke to the man who was outside, he told me to f*** off and so I blessed him and we all went in to the store. Jonathan, one of our group, decided to go out and speak to him again and a few moments later I was asked to go out side and Mark (the man who had swore at me) apologised to me. Jonathan went into the store and I stayed and chatted with Mark and he told me a little of his story and his struggles, especially with addiction. I shared how God could remove his addiction and shared a little of my testimony with him. He said he would like me to pray but not in the open! As we were giving him a lift to his mum's I suggested we prayed in the car, which we did when Jonathan came out. We drove him to his mum's and continued to encourage him on the way. As we pulled up Jonathan said to me that I should share the gospel with him. Aaaggghhh! I did it in about 90 seconds and at the end he said he wanted to give his life to Jesus so I led him in a prayer. Wow! What a privilege! We celebrated with the angels that night. 

I was so grateful to God that he had Jonathan give me the push as I would not have shared the gospel otherwise. Though I have not had opportunity to share the gospel since I know that my fear of messing up is now gone. I will not get it perfect but God asks for willingness and risk taking, not perfection!

The next couple of stories are about me stepping out with words of knowledge, something I have rarely done and so have always backed off from. Thankfully, God doesn't give up on us and loves to answer our prayers, especially if we are willing to risk a little too.

The next week at Friday Night Strikes I was asked to lead a team and we headed off to the library. We got to speak to a few lads but there were not many people about and so we headed down to a convenience store one of the team felt led to. There was a man in front of us and I really felt like I should talk to him, I considered running after him but wisely decided to pray that we would catch him up. He stopped outside the convenience store and I started chatting to him. He was a little suspicious at first but soon became much more interested in my accent than anything else (my accent is a blessing here!). After a few minutes I felt like he had a bad back (my first word of knowledge for healing that I remember) and so I asked him, amazingly he said yes, he had arthritis in his back and was always in pain. I invited two of the girls to come and pray for him and they did. When they had finished they asked him to check it out and so he did. After a few minutes of bending and stretching he said he just wanted to be certain so he didn't lie to us and then he bent some more. We were all eager to hear his verdict. Wow! He had no pain and full movement, something he had not had in a long time. As we were saying goodbye he told us he was a Muslim and we blessed him.

The second story is different, I was out with my housemate as part of our evangelism track and we started speaking to a guy at a gas station. I felt like he looked like a musician and when I asked him he said he was. Made a bit braver by this, I asked if he played the guitar and he said yes. We had a great chat with this guy and were able to pray for his wife's back to be healed (she was at home with the children) and we were also able to prophesy over him and he was greatly encouraged.

Two words of knowledge, both different but both brought blessing to the people they were given to. I would love to say that I will never doubt and I will always step out in faith from this point on. However, the truth is sometimes I will and sometimes I won't but I know my confidence will grow each time I do step out and I will step out more and more.

The last two stories come from my trip to San Fran last weekend for city service. On the Friday night I went to the Tenderloin (the homeless, drugs and prostitution area) with 2 guys from the team. One of the guys really wanted to grow in stepping out in healing and so I was keen to facilitate this. We chatted with one guy called Larry who said he had pain in his right hip and ankle. We prayed and he said he felt heat in his hip. We prayed twice more and he said his pain went from 6.5 to a 3. Wow! However, the best bit was when he exclaimed that his lungs had been healed and he could breath properly! Praise God! He sovereignty chose to heal something that we did not even know about. Amazing!

A little while later we met Rick who was limping. I asked if we could pray and he said yes and explained he had been shot in his left thigh. After just a few moments of prayer he walked off declaring he was healed. To be completely honest I was not convinced as he was still limping and I wondered if it was just a ruse to get away. How wrong I was! About an hour later and 4 or 5 blocks away we are walking up a street and we can hear someone telling someone how God healed them. Sure enough, there was Rick outside a bar telling 2 guys his testimony of healing! He was so pleased to see us and tell us again what had happened. I was blown away by this man who was so touched by God that he had to tell others and also that God let me see this, despite my scepticism. He is such a good God!

My heart is to step out and offer to pray for anyone I see who needs healing, to be bold and take risk when I feel I have words of knowledge and to share the gospel freely when I feel led. I know this increases as I dive deeper into God's heart I know I become more courageous because I know who he is, who I am and the authority he has given me. I know sometimes I will get it right and sometimes I won't but I would rather look foolish than deny someone the joy Rick had that made him want to share his testimony of healing.

Here I am God send me! 

Consecrated and expectant!

In the first few weeks of being at Bethel, Papa asked me would I consecrate myself to him for this year. Not really knowing what this meant I asked him about it. I felt him saying that he wanted me to do a Nazarite fast for my time in Bethel and that this fast would simply mean replacing all my drinks with water. As my heart's desire this year is just to know him more, love him more and dive more deeply into his heart, the obvious answer was yes, so that's just what I said!

So from about the third week in September until now (except for the time I was on English soil at Christmas), I have drank only water. Thankfully, I have found it to be true that what God calls us to, he graces us for and it has generally been a pleasure to do this and not difficult at all. In truth, when I think of what Jesus gave up for us, any sacrifice on our part seems to fade into insignificance, even if it is a challenging one.

Why do I tell you this? To set the scene for what Papa spoke to me on Monday and this was, 'dive into the deepest recesses of my heart, they're open for you to choose, as I chose to want you I have given you the choice to decide how deep you want to go. What are you willing to lose to gain everything? What are you willing to sacrifice to see my life fully realised in you? How much are you willing to lay down to fully step into the promised land?'

Wow! I knew this was just the next step of the journey he has me on and I am so hungry to go deeper, so desperate to know him more, that I immediately said that I would give up or lay down anything and everything! How could I not!

Papa said he was calling me to consecrate myself further to him in this new year, the last half of my first year at BSSM. He said he was asking me to be more disciplined in 2 areas of my life, the first being with my time and the second being with my body.

With my time he showed me how often I waste time on facebook (often checking it several times a day), watching iplayer (British TV) and on playing silly games. This may not amount to more than two or maybe three hours a week, but for me, these are hours that I could spend doing other things and I would sometimes choose to go on Facebook, play a game or watch TV when I knew he was asking me to seek him. I knew this was time that he was inviting me to spend with him instead.

Wow! Papa is jealous for my time and taking me at my word literally, as his question to me again is, do you mean it when you say all you are is mine and all you have is mine? Thankfully, my heart resounds with an eager 'YES!' and I willingly lay these things down to know him more. There truly is nothing that I am currently aware of that is more important than him, more important than pursuing him with all I am.  So, I will only be going on facebook once a week on a Sunday, instead of every day and I have deleted all the games and Iplayer off my iPad. 

It's amazing how he has confirmed that this was him speaking to me and that he will bless me for it. It was Monday of this week when Papa asked me the questions and it was Monday night when I responded. The very next day in worship this is what Papa said to me, 'I am to be a disciple lover, diving into the deepest recesses of his heart, nothing hidden from me that I cannot find in his heart. The biggest adventure is in walking with him and seeing what he will do. I am invited into the deepest parts because he knows I will go deep and deeper still. My life is to be the amazing adventure of diving deeper. His heart is deeper than the oceans and there are greater depths yet to be discovered than I could possibly imagine. I am invited to discover all the depths, that is my life's mission, my life is an adventure, to explore the depths of his heart.' Wow!

A little later in our evangelism class, one of the leaders said that it was time for us to consecrate ourselves to God and I just knew Papa was smiling as I received further confirmation that I was hearing right and obeying well.

The second part of my increased discipline was to be about my body. For years I have exercised for a week or two (sometimes even 3 or 4!) but then I slip back into old habits and the exercise goes out of the window for a month or two. Papa said he wants me to be intentional and consistent about exercise because he wants me to care for the body he has given me. As he reminded me, he lives here too! So, I have been exercising for about the last month and am determined to continue being disciplined and not give up. I want to honour God by taking care of this body he has given me. To me, this will definitely be the harder part of this consecration but as I mentioned earlier in this post, what God calls us to he graces us for, so I am believing that my habits have changed!

I am so grateful that he Papa hears my cry that I want to be completely surrendered to him and does not give up on me because I am not there yet. He leads me step by step into laying down what gets in the way of receiving all he has for me with astounding patience. He is truly amazing, truly awesome, faithful beyond faithful and I cannot thank him enough. To top it all he continues to fill me with a deeper and deeper hunger and passion for more of him, meaning that my heart's cry to go deeper is a heart's cry given by him! Wow! I have great expectation for all he is leading me into this season. I am already so different to the person who started this blog last year, to the person who came to Redding in August, I am more like Jesus and more fully myself and I am so excited to see how this transformation continues over the next few months.

I hope you have been encouraged as you have read this. I pray that, wherever you are with your walk with God, you would be able to hear his voice and know what he is saying to you. To know what he may be calling you to lay down or pick up. To know the amazing plan he has for you, a plan to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. I am so grateful that he takes us on individual journeys, created for us personally because he knows us and loves us. Your journey will not be mine but it will be perfect for you to bring you nearer to him, deeper into his heart and to make you more like Jesus and the real you. Just enjoy the journey, I know I am!