A change in perspective

Here goes for blog number 3 and me becoming more disciplined in my writing. 

It’s quite hard, whenever I am not sat at the computer to write I think of lots of things that I would like to put down on paper and share but then when I do sit down to write it is a different story.  However, there is often one thing that sticks out and seems to want to be written and usually it is the thing I would least like to write about.  It feels like that with this post and for the first time I am realising why, it’s when I am still in process because it feels like I’m putting my heart out there on a plate!  Well here goes with my heart…….

So, God is always good and does not cause or allow my sickness, it is the result of living in a fallen world and his will is always to heal.  This is an easy truth for me to stand on, especially when I am fit and healthy.  It becomes harder when I have to hold that truth in tension with a diagnosis that says I am not healthy and I am not seeing his healing now! 

I do believe that a medical healing is not a second class healing as Paul Manwaring says.  However, I am pondering whether it is full healing if there are parts of me missing (if God does not supernaturally heal me I will be having a full hysterectomy).  In heaven, I will be whole and that is my portion now, that is what Jesus did when he was whipped, he paid in full for all my sickness and disease.  I don’t understand all of this but I do trust that God is good, it is his will to heal me and that whether that is through a supernatural intervention or through surgery he will work all things for good in this process.  It is hard though!

There is nothing wrong with being in this place of tension and not understanding.  In fact, when I give up my right to understand it is much easier to receive peace and I am walking in peace, at least most of the time.  I have had such wonderful times with God showing me how to view my circumstances from his perspective, that is, remembering that I am sat in heavenly places and therefore, I look down at them.  Any Goliath looks rather pathetic in size when you are looking down at it from the highest of heights! 

If only I could say that I have this perspective and it never gets shaken but that would not be truth.  The truth is I am trusting in this new perspective and the good that I already see that God is going to work out of this (I only see a small part but it is still very good!) but I still have moments of seeing my Goliath through my own eyes and without God’s perspective.  That’s when anxiety and fear have the opportunity to step in and I am having to learn to capture my thoughts quickly to Jesus in a whole new way.

This morning someone told me that it took them a year to fully recover from a hysterectomy and my immediate reaction was to feel panic.  I did not like the thought of 8-12 weeks recovery (though God has changed my perspective by talking to me about what a great chance that will be to write) but a year, my first thought was I would go crazy!  Thankfully, Holy Spirit is my Guide and gives me wise counsel and I chose not to receive that truth as mine and as soon as I did, my peace returned.  So thankful that I get to partner on this journey with him.

The hardest moments, to be honest, are when I am on my own and tired, especially if I am at home.  Then I think about the fact that I will not be able to recover in my own home, at least to begin with.  Once I allow the thoughts to start then others join them and I think about not being able to drive, to do my laundry, to make myself a cup of coffee and it can all become a little overwhelming.  I am learning that I have a choice though, I can either choose to dwell on the thoughts or to give them to Jesus and declare the truth that he will turn all these circumstances to my good, even if I cannot see how.  I am grateful that I seem to be learning this quickly and so the times of feeling overwhelmed are few and over within a few moments. 

As I learn to partner with Holy Spirit to walk out this journey well I have already found some good in my journey.  For many years I have wanted to get fitter and take better care of myself but have always struggled with motivation.  I do well for a couple of weeks and then it all falls away and it takes another few months to get the motivation back.  Well, this journey has given me fresh motivation because I want to partner with God and be as fit as I can be should I need to spend time on an operating table.  Such a blessing!  To this end I have a friend who is going to be my personal trainer until my operation.  Amazing, someone whose very job it is to keep me motivated, what a gift!  

Already I get a little peak of the good that will come out of this journey.  Whether I have to have an operation or not, I will be fitter and healthier and caring for my body better.  If I want to run for God until I am a hundred then I need to care for the machinery he has given me to do it and this journey has given me an added boost to my motivation to make that happen.  I believe I am actually getting excited for this journey.  How amazing is that!

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!

My favourite hour of the week....

So, I’m still working through some emotions but as I do, I’m trying to be faithful with writing and life continues through all circumstances!  I want to tell you about my favourite hour of the week simply because I can.  Those of you who know me well won’t be surprised that it’s in the early morning but you may be surprised by what it is all. 

Every Friday morning between 8 and 9am we give out free coffee on the front steps of church.  I love it!  We’ve been doing it for a little over 3 months now and it is such fun. 

I love watching as people get over their suspicions week by week and then finally come and accept a coffee. 

I love watching as people begin to relax and tell us little aspects of their days and their lives.

I love watching as people come back week after week for coffee and a quick chat. 

I love watching as the children (now back at school) bring their parents over so that they can have a drink. 

I love that we are building community with those who pass our building on a daily basis and that they tell us that they now look forward to a Friday morning. 

I love that we notice when one of our ‘regulars’ does not come.

How good is that!  I think it is amazing and it really does bring me the greatest of pleasure when I see them smile, not only because they get a free coffee but because we have remembered their name or a little something about them.  To me, this is community, getting out there and being Jesus, this is what our lives should be all about, loving people well with no hidden agenda.  We just want to see them smile and we do, it’s wonderful.

We have talked about Jesus and prayed but primarily we just smile, have fun and even dance a little (or at least I do) and bless people with a cup of tea or coffee.  It’s simple but it’s effective and I am excited to see where it leads, especially when we are still there in the cold and the rain!  It may sound strange but it really is my favourite hour of the week and I look forward to it expectantly.  I love Jesus so I love people and I love community!

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!

Focus on what God is doing, even through the tears !

So today is the day I had set aside to write a new blog post, the truth is though, I didn’t realise that today would be such an emotional day and that what I would post about was being given a diagnosis of endometriosis.  I say, ‘given a diagnosis’ and not ‘having’ because I am not willing to accept it that this condition is mine, as I am healed by Jesus’ stripes, it was done and does not need to be done again. However, the truth right now is that endometriosis is causing ill effects in my body. 

Needless to say, today has felt a little like a roller coaster, I know my God is good and that he is always faithful but I am disappointed that I am not healed.  I am disappointed and, in truth, a little shocked and overwhelmed, that what I thought may entail a very routine minor operation has become a radical major operation with a diagnosis that seemed to come out of nowhere. 

Thankfully, my Papa is a good, good Father and he is not afraid of my emotion, he just wants me to be real and share it with him.  He wants to comfort me in this and draw me closer and have me lean in and trust him more. 

As a good Father, he hasn’t caused this or allowed it, we live in a fallen world and disease and sickness are a result of that.  The fact that I haven’t been healed is not a fault on his side as his will is always to heal, we just need to look at Jesus to know that and he healed all who came to him.  I’m not going to get into trying to find out why I’m not healed yet either, I am just going to stand on the truth that my healing was done and wait for it to manifest itself in my body.

All I am still disappointed, I am still sad and emotional, I am still shocked, I am still overwhelmed.  My emotions are real and they need to be felt and walked through but they are not my truth.  My truth is God is a good, good Father and he is always faithful, he always turns every situation to good for me and I have 20 years of history with him that testifies to this. 

So, while the tears flow and the emotions are worked through I will trust that I am safe in his hands.  I will trust that, though I cannot see it right now, good will come out of this situation.  I will trust that I am loved and cherished.  I will trust that my healing was accomplished and does not need to be fought for again.  I will trust my Jesus and keep my eyes firmly focussed on him through the ups and the downs, through the tears and the laughter because he is my rock, my anchor and my hiding place. 

I will walk in thankfulness over coming days and weeks as I await my healing.  I will thank him for the grace he shows me.  I will thank him for the amazing people he has placed around me to stand with me in prayer and faith.  I will thank him for the many blessings he has poured out so lavishly on me.  I will thank him for the ability to focus on what he is doing and not what he isn’t.  I will thank him because as long as there is breath in my body there is always hope and the promise of more, more of him in me and through me.

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!