Continued journey of the heart........

So, a little while ago I bared my heart in relation to the journey Papa had taken me on in regards to dating.  It felt a little brave and a whole lot vulnerable but I have been blown away by the comments I have received, especially where my story has given freedom to others to pursue their own journeys.  I love how when we are obedient to what God asks of us he has a beautiful plan already worked out.  He truly is so good!

This then, is my next step in obedience in relation to this heart journey as I share what he has been teaching me in the process.  Again, this feels vulnerable but obedience can be costly!  I hope you are blessed, encouraged and challenged as you read.

The night I signed up to the website I felt God say that I needed to wave at someone.  I didn’t want to, I wanted just to have signed up and that be the end of it.  However, I knew God was saying that if I did not do something then I would be ruled by fear in relation to this.  So I waved at a couple of guys.  It was hard for a few reasons, firstly because it was quite hard to find profiles of men who truly did appear to love Jesus and want to live sold out for him, then there was how vulnerable I felt even thinking about waving at someone and lastly, God has done this big work in my heart about being created to be pursued by a man and here he was asking me to make the first move! 

I did not get any response and didn’t want to wave at anyone else and while talking to God I felt him say that I could just sit and wait.  A friend then said to me that if I’m not out there to be seen then I can’t be pursued.  This felt like confirmation that I could sit and wait and see what happens.

By this time, I had already realised that whatever the outcome of me being on this website in relation to meeting any potential husbands, the most important thing for me is this heart journey that he is taking me on.  I just knew that there was going to be numerous lessons for me that would be harder to learn if I wasn’t on this path and this is already proving so true!

So having waved, I waited.  I had a few waves, not from the men that I had waved at but from others.  When I checked out their profiles though it felt like they hadn’t read my profile at all but just waved and so I just sent them a message saying I wasn’t interested.  Though I didn’t want to take things any further I wanted to honour them with a kind response.

This was the first week and then nothing!  Lots of things went through my mind, including changing my profile but having chatted with one of my close heart friends, who said that my profile was a good representation of me, I decided not to.

After a couple of weeks of not having any responses I began to get a little frustrated.  As I was chatting with God I felt that he said that I should go on and look and wave at some people.  So I did just that.  As I spent ages looking through profiles of men to see whether they sounded passionate for Jesus I got more and more disheartened.  Not because I didn’t find any who appeared to be passionate but I felt like I was making a judgement on every person that I closed the profile on, and to be honest, this was the greater majority.  After what must have been at least an hour, I had waved at 3 men but that was hard going.

The next day I went back to God.  I don’t want to trawl through pages of profiles.  I don’t want to feel like I am making judgements on people just from a picture and a few words.  I want to believe that it is possible for a man who loves Jesus to wave at me and that something can start from that.  I also believe that this is a journey of my heart, that I am learning what is important to me and that I am truly happy whether this journey with online dating leads to a relationship or just leads to my heart being more whole.  I am loving the process because it is drawing me closer to Jesus and that means it has to be a win/win situation whatever any other outcome happens.  God is so good!

So, then the waiting.  Actually, to be honest, it doesn’t feel like waiting.  It’s just something that is there in the background and crosses my mind when someone asks about it or when my weekly review email comes through.  The review email tells me men have been looking at my profile and that is enough for me because I have realised that if they like my picture enough to look further but then are put off by my profile, we’re probably not a good match anyway.  God is so good!

Then last week I had my first email contact.  It was from someone who had previously waved but I had said thanks, but no thanks.  As he had persisted, I thought I would say hello back.  We chatted by email over a couple of hours.  He seemed like a very nice man but there were two things that concerned me; that he lived in London and that he didn’t go to just one church, though he did talk about how important Jesus was.  We said we might chat again the next night and I left it at that.

As I chatted to Jesus when I went to bed I became aware that for me it was important that any person I looked at having a relationship with had to be committed to a church.  There are lots of reasons why this is and I won’t go into them here, I just knew that this is something that is non-negotiable to me.  I also realised that I would much prefer to chat with someone who is closer to home.  This, of course, meant that I did not want to continue chatting with the man who had waved at me.

The next day I sent him a message explaining this.  It was important for me to be kind and honest in my message.  He responded that he was disappointed but not surprised.  This was such a blessing to me because it made me realise how much God had done in my heart.  Just how much healing he had done and how different I am.

In the past I was more interested in attention than where the attention came from.  I would also lead men on to believe my feelings for them were greater than they were if it meant I got attention.  Honesty was not one of my strong points in relationship.  God has done so much healing in me over the past 21 years that this is so far from where I am now and I am so grateful that he is using this journey to let me see the reality of this healing.  God is so good!

So, here I am, still waiting.  Still happy and very excited for where God is taking me on this journey.  I am so thankful that God is more interested in the process than in the destination and that when we know this, it is so much easier to have joy in it.  I am thankful that his heart is to see my heart healthy and whole and me living in the fullness of who he created me to be.  I am thankful that he is in this journey with me, I am never on my own.

I hope you have been blessed by this post and that whatever journey you are on, whatever process you are walking through, that you would find joy in knowing that you are never alone in it.  He will never leave you or forsake you and he will get you wherever you need to get to, to the fullness he created you for.

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!

Is it possible to live slave free?

God has been challenging me lately and asking whether I am willing to radically change the way I live my life so that I can truly love my neighbour.  My answer is yes, but when you consider your neighbour as anyone that your life and choices impacts, it becomes a very different proposition.  It appears to affect everything.  As I have been reading, praying and thinking about this over the last few weeks I have become more and more aware how hard it is to live a life that you can guarantee is slave free.  By slave free, I mean that does not include products that have had slaves involved in their creation at any stage.  The problem is that slavery has become so prevalent and it is everywhere, not just in distant places but here in the UK too. 

So, I know my life is going to radically change over the next few weeks and months as I consider what I buy, where it comes from and who has been involved in making it.  This has already started and this blog is mainly about the changes I have already made and the ones that I know are coming. 

However, as I am writing this on a MacBook, I am very aware that I have no idea as to the impact that Apple have throughout the world, good or bad.  Thankfully, I am not currently looking to buy any new technology but am very aware that when I next need a new phone or a new computer, the choices open to me, if I want to know my purchase is slave free, may be greatly reduced.  That though, is a consideration for another day. 

In my last blog on this subject, I mentioned that slavery is everywhere and that many industries are affected.  There have been examples in the UK of slaves being used in agriculture, in picking and processing our fruit and vegetables.  How then do I make sure that my fruit and veg is slave free?  I have found a local collective of small holders who grow and pick their own vegetables and sell them too.  It is a much more expensive way for me to buy my vegetables.  It is also different as you do not know what you are getting (except for the staples of potatoes, carrots and onions), you just get what is seasonal and ready.  Despite the expense and not knowing what I might have in the box (which I’m choosing to see as a fun surprise), I am thankful that I can know that the vegetables that I eat every week are truly slave free. 

So that’s my weekly veggies sorted but what about my other purchases?  As I said previously, God first talked to me about these issues over 2 years ago and at that time I knew he was talking to me about Amazon.  I was appalled at some of the things that you can buy on Amazon, including books on how to be a sex tourist.  However, if I am honest, I was not ready to radically change my lifestyle at that time and so I continued to be a member of Amazon Prime.  Recently though, my membership was up for renewal and after a very timely discussion with a friend, I knew that the right thing to do was end my membership.  This wasn’t just about some of the things that they sell, but also about the fact that when shopping on Amazon I don’t have to consider my purchase, where it’s from or who was concerned in making it.  It was just too easy!

So, I cancelled my membership and then very quickly needed to order some books, previously, I would have just gone on to Amazon and had them delivered the next day.  Not this time though.  First, I went to Waterstones, the only book shop that we now have in the city centre of Leicester but they did not have the book on human rights that I wanted.  Next, a search on the internet found the book I wanted from Blackwell’s bookstore and so I ordered it.  A few days later, a group of ladies that I meet with suggested a book for us to read together.  This time though I was able to order it through the local Christian bookshop.  One good thing of stopping Amazon is that I am walking into town more and therefore, getting more exercise!  Thank you Jesus. 

I never thought before about how easy it is just to pop on Amazon and buy something but now that I am not using it, I am having to consider my purchases and it is all good.  So, my thoughts so far are:

I will buy British wherever I can and source locally where that is available.

I will buy second hand and use charity shops where possible.

I am open to suggestions!

It’s funny but some of these things are good just because they are about loving my neighbour who lives near me and not just caring for my neighbour who lives on the other side of the world.  They are also good for the world and fit with my desire to care for the planet as best I can.  As Kris Vallotten would say, that makes it a win-win and that is always good!

Lastly, I have been in touch with a local charity that work into the brothels in Leicester and hope to be volunteering with them in the near future.  I know that as I believe to see the end of slavery worldwide, I need to start by knowing what is going on locally and getting involved there too. 

So, I am excited about where this journey is taking me as I continue to be obedient to the next steps as God shows them to me.  Again, can I encourage you to step out in obedience with whatever God is asking of you because if we all do our little bit, this world we live in will look a lot more like heaven – what a glorious thought!

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!

A journey of preparation.....

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for Christian Connection, an online dating site.  This came as a complete shock to me but not to Papa and it was the end of one journey, and as I am discovering, it is just the start of another one! 

So, just over 4 years ago, I was suddenly widowed when my husband of 15 years died.  As I walked out my grief journey with Papa I was determined that I would stay single for the rest of my life.  I had done relationships but now it was time for me and Jesus with no distractions.

After I had been in Redding for a little while Papa began talking to me about relationships.  At first, he asked me did I want to die alone.  I love how he talks straight to me, it’s how I talk too!  This got me thinking and I realised that it would be nice not to grow old alone but that I would like some time on my own first.  So, I told Papa that I would like a husband but that I would to like 20 years first!  This seemed to satisfy Papa, or at least it did for a while.

A little while later I felt God tell me to reread ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldridge.  I loved this the first time I read it as God showed me how I was created to be wooed and pursued by him, he showed me that I was captivating to him.  So, I was expecting more of the same.  However, that isn’t what I got this time.  This time God showed me how I was meant to be wooed and pursued by a man.  Wow!  What a surprise. 

Next God told me to read ‘Wild at Heart’ by John Eldridge.  Through this he showed me what men were created for, to be protectors and warriors and spoke to me about having a man who would protect and treasure my heart.  Wow! 

It was after this that God asked me if I really wanted to wait 20 years or would I like to have someone I could do ministry with.  This blew me away as I had not thought about that. 

This was when I was released to dream about the possibilities for my future but to be honest, my dreaming was very selfish.  I wanted someone who would live where I wanted to live and would want to support me in the visions that God has given me.  It was my way or no way!

The next major change for me was about a year ago.  I was back in the UK and driving home from work and all of a sudden, I was weeping.  It was a funny experience.  I hadn’t been thinking about anything I was just worshipping.  Then suddenly I was telling God that I wanted a man that I would lay my life down for.  Wow!  It was amazing, God had changed my heart completely and I didn’t even realise it.

A few months later, I went on line and signed on to a dating website.  Well, I signed up for a free trial.  However, the moment I saw my profile go live I panicked and deleted my account.  It was scary, I felt so vulnerable and exposed.  That was the end of my thinking about online dating, it was definitely never going to be on my agenda again, or at least so I thought!

That was it until just before Christmas then it seemed like every conversation I had ended up with Christian Connections being spoken about.  Of course, it was not every conversation but there was a lot, I even had a conversation about it on Christmas day.  Then in the beginning of January I had two friends stay with me at separate times and again Christian Connection was one of the topics of conversation.  One of my friends even told me about someone we both knew who met their husband on the site.

All the conversations had me thinking that Papa was talking to me about this.  In fact, I knew he was talking to me.  The thing that I bothered me was whether there were men on there who were truly passionate about Jesus.  However, knowing a lady who was passionate about Jesus who found a man who was as passionate as she was, alleviated that, especially when I got to meet him and saw his passion for myself.

So, I chose to be obedient to what I felt God was leading me to.  It was a little scary but I decided that I was going to do it and I was going to write a profile that left nothing in doubt about Jesus being first in my life.   So, I did! 

I am now a fully signed up member of Christian Connection and I am so thankful for what God has done in my life to get me ready for this.  I am also thankful that the journey is only just beginning as he teaches me walk this path well but more on that another time!  I’m excited to see what happens.

So, seeing as it is out there anyway, here’s my profile:

I am a daughter, loved and cherished by my Papa, the God of Creation because of the sacrifice of my big Brother, Jesus and I have Holy Spirit living within me. I am passionate about Jesus and life. I love people well and enjoy drawing the best out of them. I love walking, reading, friendships and hosting people in my home. Old houses, gardens and the sea make my soul happy. My heart is to build community and see people know who they were created to be. I have a 30 year old son and 2 grandsons. I am blessed!

I have lived all over the UK and spent 2 years in Redding, California at BSSM but Leicester is currently home. I love that life is full of opportunity and, though my heart is to see Leicester come to know Jesus, I also know that home is where my heart is and that is wherever Jesus takes me!

Jesus is everything! I am his trophy of grace! My heart is to seek first him and his kingdom and to see heaven come to earth as he commissioned us. I believe that revival will come and be sustained when we truly believe what Jesus said, that we would do greater things than he did. I have seen blind eyes open and deaf ears hear and believe I will see the dead rise and I will see it here in the UK. I love my family (church) because they are on this path too and together we believe we will see our communities, our city, our nation and the world transformed by and for Jesus.

I love the adventurous. I want to jump out of a plane again, want to try hang gliding, want to do zip lining and love fast and furious roller coasters. My favourite times are walking in nature, especially forests, hills and the sea. I love good conversations that connect heart to heart and I love to see people step into the fullness of who they are. 
My life goal is to see the end of human slavery, every person treated with the respect due to them because they are made in the image of God and precious in his sight.

I am passionate and love well. I love Jesus above all else and want a man to love who does the same. I am happy to come second to Jesus! I am excited and nervous to be on this adventure but sometimes you just have to take a risk.....

Be encouraged to take a risk!

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!