Monday 21 April 2014
Lake Como pics!
Sorry these were not on the last post but had to learn how to do them!
The view from the lighthouse - definitely worth the climb!
The lighthouse
A quick update and all the fun of Milan!
I really want to tell you about the amazing time I had in Milan but first a quick update on the house.
After my last post, I offered to rent the house to the couple who had wanted to buy it because I believe this is what God said to me to do. They did not want to rent it but said that this offer was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for them. What a blessing to be able to do that, even if the offer was not accepted!. However, it meant I did not now know which way to go with the house. I prayed and said to God I would pursue both renting and selling and asked that he close the wrong door and let the right one open wide. On Saturday I received an asking price offer so I am now believing for contracts within 6 weeks. So by the first week in June it should all be completed and keys handed over. I will keep you updated.
So to Milan, I am very blessed to have a dear friend who lives there and speaks fluent Italian which makes visiting such a joy. This time when I went because of where I am in my life, that is, wanting to push deeper into all God has for me, I went asking that God would use me out there, that he would inconvenience me. I am so thankful to say that he took me at my word and my friend and I were greatly encouraged and blessed.
We planned two trips while I was there, one to Lake Como and the other to Verona. The trip to Lake Como went off without a hitch and we had a beautiful day. The rather long and steep climb to the lighthouse was hard work but gave the most breathtaking views.
The next day we planned to visit Verona. We got our tickets and looked at the timetable and caught the only train at 10:35, the time of our train. After a little while the conductor came, looked at our tickets and began a discussion with my friend. Interestingly to me, the people on the table opposite seemed to be joining in too. It appeared we had got on the wrong train. Now if it had just been me this would not have been surprising but my friend has lived there for 9 years and has never got on the wrong train before. We decided to get off at Parma and spend the day there instead. My friend was most apologetic that we had got the wrong train but I asked, who said it was the wrong train and so we invited God to come and inconvenience us.
We had a great day and headed back on the train to Milan. This was where the inconvenience came in, though in truth it was enjoyable and not very inconvenient! A young man came and sat with us and soon began to talk to us in English. This was unusual as there are not many fluent English speakers in Northern Italy and I spend most of my time there having 3 way conversations through my friend. He told us that he was half Greek and half Italian and was off to see his family in Greece. He had been brought up with knowledge of Greek Orthodox and Roman Catholicism but had come to the conclusion that you can reach God without religion. He had decided this because his mum had been asked to leave the Greek Orthodox church near her home in Greece because she crossed herself the wrong way. Rightly, this young man thought this was ridiculous and this led to a great conversation about grace. He then told us he was finishing his MA in Engineering and looking for what to do next. One of his options was to spend some time in Australia and as soon as he said it I felt this was his right next step and was able to encourage him to give it a try, even if just for a short time. As we got off the train in Milan, he thanked us for our time and encouragement and went on his way. Who knows what God has planned for this young man but it is clear that God's hand is upon him, even if he does not yet see it!
That was the end of our exploits outside of Milan. The next day I was giving my testimony at my friend's church's meal for the people who lived in a nearby hostel. There were 5 people there from the hostel and a number of helpers. We worshipped for a little while and then one of the men spoke for a little while. During the worship my friend came and told me about the lady she was talking to as the lady wanted us to pray for her. This lady said that every Thursday for 4 years she had manifested many demons and been exorcised by her local church at their weekly exorcism service. I did the only thing I could! I prayed for the rest of the evening saying, Holy Spirit reign in this place and guide our prayers. This definitely felt a little inconvenient to me, or at least much more out of my comfort zone!
The evening finished and we took this lady upstairs to pray for her. I had no idea what to expect and was a little apprehensive. I invited Holy Spirit to come and instantly felt his tangible present. Awesome! I then prayed as I felt led, lots of identity stuff over her and the blood of Jesus. My friend translated as I prayed. When we had finished the lady said that she had never had such gentle ministry and she felt the touch of Jesus. Wow! Thank you Holy Spirit for your guidance. I was then able, through my friend, to suggest to this lady that she ask God about moving church and she said she would.
This lady has seen my friend since and is talking about going to my friend's church. Please pray that she does. I have spoken to a friend here who has been dealing with this kind of stuff for years and he said it sounds like Holy Spirit used me to shut the door, the thing he thinks her church had not been doing for 4 years. Isn't Holy Spirit amazing? He truly is our counsellor and guide as I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Hallelujah!
I hope you have been encouraged so far but for me, this next incident was the pinnacle of an amazing few days. It was Milan rush hour and my friend was on the phone when I spotted a man with two crutches walking very slowly. Instantly I knew God wanted me to pray for him. However, I began to walk away with my friend when her call had ended. God had other ideas though and as we reached the middle of the road I knew I had to go back and pray. I asked my friend how people were in Italy if you asked to pray for them in the street. She said she did not really know as she had only done it once on an outreach. I pointed to the man and said I need to pray for him and bless her, she said okay. I am very aware that this was an easier task for me than for my friend, she was the one who had to do the talking!
We reached the man and my friend asked if we could pray for him and instantly he said yes but he needed to sit as he could not just stand still. Wow! My faith levels rose and I was believing God for healing. We walked about 150 yards and it took about 20-25 minutes as his walking was so slow. During this time we found out that he had MS and it had been worse for the last 4 years since he came back from France. He lived in a local hostel but it was closed during the day so he just had to walk around. He walked around because the alternative was giving up. After 10 minutes or so of walking with us he said he would understand if we left, he did not want to inconvenience us! I got my friend to tell him that I was on holiday and so time was not an issue and who knows but that I flew to Milan for this very reason. Eventually, we sat down and I commanded the MS to leave and prayed for him and my friend prayed to. Nothing! As I stood up though God told me to hug him and so I asked my friend to ask him if I could. Instantly his face changed, he said yes and I hugged him followed by my friend. Wow! I was sent to Milan to give this man a hug and show him that he was loved. How awesome is that? How privileged am I?
That was the last of my Milan adventures but my challenge is to continue to walk that way now I am back in the UK. It seemed so much easier in a different culture with someone having to translate for me. My prayer is though each and every day, inconvenience me Papa, let me be used by you. Give me ears to hear and eyes to see and boldness to obey. I pray you are encouraged and I pray that over coming weeks I will have more encounters to share but also that you will have some of your own. When you do, please share them, it is so encouraging to hear of God at work.
After my last post, I offered to rent the house to the couple who had wanted to buy it because I believe this is what God said to me to do. They did not want to rent it but said that this offer was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for them. What a blessing to be able to do that, even if the offer was not accepted!. However, it meant I did not now know which way to go with the house. I prayed and said to God I would pursue both renting and selling and asked that he close the wrong door and let the right one open wide. On Saturday I received an asking price offer so I am now believing for contracts within 6 weeks. So by the first week in June it should all be completed and keys handed over. I will keep you updated.
So to Milan, I am very blessed to have a dear friend who lives there and speaks fluent Italian which makes visiting such a joy. This time when I went because of where I am in my life, that is, wanting to push deeper into all God has for me, I went asking that God would use me out there, that he would inconvenience me. I am so thankful to say that he took me at my word and my friend and I were greatly encouraged and blessed.
We planned two trips while I was there, one to Lake Como and the other to Verona. The trip to Lake Como went off without a hitch and we had a beautiful day. The rather long and steep climb to the lighthouse was hard work but gave the most breathtaking views.
The next day we planned to visit Verona. We got our tickets and looked at the timetable and caught the only train at 10:35, the time of our train. After a little while the conductor came, looked at our tickets and began a discussion with my friend. Interestingly to me, the people on the table opposite seemed to be joining in too. It appeared we had got on the wrong train. Now if it had just been me this would not have been surprising but my friend has lived there for 9 years and has never got on the wrong train before. We decided to get off at Parma and spend the day there instead. My friend was most apologetic that we had got the wrong train but I asked, who said it was the wrong train and so we invited God to come and inconvenience us.
We had a great day and headed back on the train to Milan. This was where the inconvenience came in, though in truth it was enjoyable and not very inconvenient! A young man came and sat with us and soon began to talk to us in English. This was unusual as there are not many fluent English speakers in Northern Italy and I spend most of my time there having 3 way conversations through my friend. He told us that he was half Greek and half Italian and was off to see his family in Greece. He had been brought up with knowledge of Greek Orthodox and Roman Catholicism but had come to the conclusion that you can reach God without religion. He had decided this because his mum had been asked to leave the Greek Orthodox church near her home in Greece because she crossed herself the wrong way. Rightly, this young man thought this was ridiculous and this led to a great conversation about grace. He then told us he was finishing his MA in Engineering and looking for what to do next. One of his options was to spend some time in Australia and as soon as he said it I felt this was his right next step and was able to encourage him to give it a try, even if just for a short time. As we got off the train in Milan, he thanked us for our time and encouragement and went on his way. Who knows what God has planned for this young man but it is clear that God's hand is upon him, even if he does not yet see it!
That was the end of our exploits outside of Milan. The next day I was giving my testimony at my friend's church's meal for the people who lived in a nearby hostel. There were 5 people there from the hostel and a number of helpers. We worshipped for a little while and then one of the men spoke for a little while. During the worship my friend came and told me about the lady she was talking to as the lady wanted us to pray for her. This lady said that every Thursday for 4 years she had manifested many demons and been exorcised by her local church at their weekly exorcism service. I did the only thing I could! I prayed for the rest of the evening saying, Holy Spirit reign in this place and guide our prayers. This definitely felt a little inconvenient to me, or at least much more out of my comfort zone!
The evening finished and we took this lady upstairs to pray for her. I had no idea what to expect and was a little apprehensive. I invited Holy Spirit to come and instantly felt his tangible present. Awesome! I then prayed as I felt led, lots of identity stuff over her and the blood of Jesus. My friend translated as I prayed. When we had finished the lady said that she had never had such gentle ministry and she felt the touch of Jesus. Wow! Thank you Holy Spirit for your guidance. I was then able, through my friend, to suggest to this lady that she ask God about moving church and she said she would.
This lady has seen my friend since and is talking about going to my friend's church. Please pray that she does. I have spoken to a friend here who has been dealing with this kind of stuff for years and he said it sounds like Holy Spirit used me to shut the door, the thing he thinks her church had not been doing for 4 years. Isn't Holy Spirit amazing? He truly is our counsellor and guide as I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Hallelujah!
I hope you have been encouraged so far but for me, this next incident was the pinnacle of an amazing few days. It was Milan rush hour and my friend was on the phone when I spotted a man with two crutches walking very slowly. Instantly I knew God wanted me to pray for him. However, I began to walk away with my friend when her call had ended. God had other ideas though and as we reached the middle of the road I knew I had to go back and pray. I asked my friend how people were in Italy if you asked to pray for them in the street. She said she did not really know as she had only done it once on an outreach. I pointed to the man and said I need to pray for him and bless her, she said okay. I am very aware that this was an easier task for me than for my friend, she was the one who had to do the talking!
We reached the man and my friend asked if we could pray for him and instantly he said yes but he needed to sit as he could not just stand still. Wow! My faith levels rose and I was believing God for healing. We walked about 150 yards and it took about 20-25 minutes as his walking was so slow. During this time we found out that he had MS and it had been worse for the last 4 years since he came back from France. He lived in a local hostel but it was closed during the day so he just had to walk around. He walked around because the alternative was giving up. After 10 minutes or so of walking with us he said he would understand if we left, he did not want to inconvenience us! I got my friend to tell him that I was on holiday and so time was not an issue and who knows but that I flew to Milan for this very reason. Eventually, we sat down and I commanded the MS to leave and prayed for him and my friend prayed to. Nothing! As I stood up though God told me to hug him and so I asked my friend to ask him if I could. Instantly his face changed, he said yes and I hugged him followed by my friend. Wow! I was sent to Milan to give this man a hug and show him that he was loved. How awesome is that? How privileged am I?
That was the last of my Milan adventures but my challenge is to continue to walk that way now I am back in the UK. It seemed so much easier in a different culture with someone having to translate for me. My prayer is though each and every day, inconvenience me Papa, let me be used by you. Give me ears to hear and eyes to see and boldness to obey. I pray you are encouraged and I pray that over coming weeks I will have more encounters to share but also that you will have some of your own. When you do, please share them, it is so encouraging to hear of God at work.
Thursday 10 April 2014
God's promises never fail or a lesson in obedience!
God is faithful! God is true! God is the God of the 11th hour or often the 11th hour and the 59th minute. He loves to stretch our faith because this is how we grow and learn to trust more. I hope you find this encouraging as I share the beginnings of the provision of God shown through a hard lesson of obedience and faith.
When I put my house on the market I felt Holy Spirit say to me that I should expect a full asking price offer by April 2nd (within 12 days) and contracts to be completed within 6 weeks. I prayed and declared that this provision was mine and all of the friends I shared it with stood with me in believing that this was God's word to me.
On Monday 31st March, while I was staying with a friend in Milan, I was offered £108,000, just £2,000 below the asking price. I turned it down and explained that I would accept £110,000. A little later I got a call saying the prospective buyers would not up their offer but would walk away. What to do? Trust God or take the offer? I told them I would give them an answer in 24 hours.
As soon as I had put the phone down I texted a few friends asking them to pray for me. All I told them was I had a yes or no decision to make. The first reply I got said let the peace of God be my rear guard. Then a friend texted me Ezekiel 37, the valley of dry bones, though I wrote it down as Ezekiel 47. As soon as I was given Ezekiel 37 I knew Holy Spirit was saying that I should declare what was not as if it was, so this is what I did. I declared that a full asking price offer was mine and would be made. Then I chose to read the verses and turned to Ezekiel 47 (the scripture that I had written down though it was not what I had been given). This was about the river that flows from the temple and gets deeper and deeper. As I read Holy Spirit asked me which part of the river I wanted to be in, the part round my ankles where I was in control or the river that no man could cross where God was in control. It was not a hard choice, I want to be in over my head where God is wholly and completely in control. Added to all of this, as I had been typing up my old journals I had come across the following that I had written in 2008, 'thank you Papa that our obedience leads to your abundant provision'. Wow! There was no doubt in me that obedience was the right way to go.
When the estate agent called on Tuesday I turned down the offer and they reiterated that the offer would not be increased and then said that there were no other viewings lined up. I stood by my decision and declared that though it looked bad from an earthly perspective, I would believe that the heavenly perspective looked very different! As soon as I had done this I had a text saying to use the narrow gate, going neither to the left or the right. This just felt so like Papa saying well done, you've done the right thing that I had the peace of God as my rear guard (the first text I had received). All I could think was what an awesome God I have!
The next day, Wednesday, I was flying home from Milan and it was 2nd April, D Day for my offer. Nothing! As I was driving home from the airport in the early evening I was talking to Papa and saying that I just did not get it. I know he is faithful and I truly believed that he had spoken. In an instant I knew I had to keep believing that though from an earthly perspective it looked hopeless, from a heavenly perspective my offer was already made. I decided to stand and believe the heavenly perspective and began thanking God and rejoicing in his amazing provision.
All day on Thursday I was expectant, believing that there would be a call offering me the full price for my house. By 7pm I had heard nothing but I declared (with the wonderful friends I was with) that I would trust God because he is always faithful, always good, in every circumstance. About 7.30pm I had a text from my neighbour asking if I had responded to the increased offer her friend had given. I knew nothing about this and so I rang her. Within 15 minutes I knew an asking price offer would be put in the next day and that this should really have happened on Monday 31st! Wow! Not only did God prove faithful to his word but he taught me so much about obedience and faith too through the way he allowed it to happen. How I jumped and danced around my friends' front room as we celebrated together our awesome God and his amazing provision. The next day, sure enough, the asking price offer was confirmed and accepted.
On 9th April I got a message from the estate agent, the buyers were unable to proceed, the sale had fallen through. Pants! Even though it did not make sense and I definitely did not understand, I made the conscious decision to trust God and rejoice in his provision. I chose to believe Papa and not the circumstances I could see. I did not see how I could now have contracts in 6 weeks but I did get my asking price offer and I know my God is faithful and so I chose to trust.
As I was praising God I felt he slipped a thought into my head but it seemed impossible so I dismissed it. As I was driving to meet a friend for coffee later, I asked God how his suggestion could be, it did not seem to meet my financial needs. However, my friend suggested the same thing the moment we talked about it. I decided I should seek God more for whether this suggestion is his plan and, in truth, it could mean contracts in 6 weeks, just a different type of contract! This would be a great surprise to me but not to God who knows the beginning from the end and is always faithful, even if it does not look the way we think it should.
So, as I end this blog I am seeking God for whether this new suggestion is right. I know if it is he will confirm it and prepare my steps before me to walk it out. My heart's desire is just to be obedient and only to do what he is calling me to do, so I will await his confirmation before acting. The one thing I can declare with all my heart is that his provision is more than enough and at the right time it will be provided, however it may come!
I hope you have been encouraged by reading this today and believe that next week I will be able to share how God has confirmed the next steps and reveal how his provision is to come. Halelujah! How blessed I am and I hope you feel blessed too.
When I put my house on the market I felt Holy Spirit say to me that I should expect a full asking price offer by April 2nd (within 12 days) and contracts to be completed within 6 weeks. I prayed and declared that this provision was mine and all of the friends I shared it with stood with me in believing that this was God's word to me.
On Monday 31st March, while I was staying with a friend in Milan, I was offered £108,000, just £2,000 below the asking price. I turned it down and explained that I would accept £110,000. A little later I got a call saying the prospective buyers would not up their offer but would walk away. What to do? Trust God or take the offer? I told them I would give them an answer in 24 hours.
As soon as I had put the phone down I texted a few friends asking them to pray for me. All I told them was I had a yes or no decision to make. The first reply I got said let the peace of God be my rear guard. Then a friend texted me Ezekiel 37, the valley of dry bones, though I wrote it down as Ezekiel 47. As soon as I was given Ezekiel 37 I knew Holy Spirit was saying that I should declare what was not as if it was, so this is what I did. I declared that a full asking price offer was mine and would be made. Then I chose to read the verses and turned to Ezekiel 47 (the scripture that I had written down though it was not what I had been given). This was about the river that flows from the temple and gets deeper and deeper. As I read Holy Spirit asked me which part of the river I wanted to be in, the part round my ankles where I was in control or the river that no man could cross where God was in control. It was not a hard choice, I want to be in over my head where God is wholly and completely in control. Added to all of this, as I had been typing up my old journals I had come across the following that I had written in 2008, 'thank you Papa that our obedience leads to your abundant provision'. Wow! There was no doubt in me that obedience was the right way to go.
When the estate agent called on Tuesday I turned down the offer and they reiterated that the offer would not be increased and then said that there were no other viewings lined up. I stood by my decision and declared that though it looked bad from an earthly perspective, I would believe that the heavenly perspective looked very different! As soon as I had done this I had a text saying to use the narrow gate, going neither to the left or the right. This just felt so like Papa saying well done, you've done the right thing that I had the peace of God as my rear guard (the first text I had received). All I could think was what an awesome God I have!
The next day, Wednesday, I was flying home from Milan and it was 2nd April, D Day for my offer. Nothing! As I was driving home from the airport in the early evening I was talking to Papa and saying that I just did not get it. I know he is faithful and I truly believed that he had spoken. In an instant I knew I had to keep believing that though from an earthly perspective it looked hopeless, from a heavenly perspective my offer was already made. I decided to stand and believe the heavenly perspective and began thanking God and rejoicing in his amazing provision.
All day on Thursday I was expectant, believing that there would be a call offering me the full price for my house. By 7pm I had heard nothing but I declared (with the wonderful friends I was with) that I would trust God because he is always faithful, always good, in every circumstance. About 7.30pm I had a text from my neighbour asking if I had responded to the increased offer her friend had given. I knew nothing about this and so I rang her. Within 15 minutes I knew an asking price offer would be put in the next day and that this should really have happened on Monday 31st! Wow! Not only did God prove faithful to his word but he taught me so much about obedience and faith too through the way he allowed it to happen. How I jumped and danced around my friends' front room as we celebrated together our awesome God and his amazing provision. The next day, sure enough, the asking price offer was confirmed and accepted.
On 9th April I got a message from the estate agent, the buyers were unable to proceed, the sale had fallen through. Pants! Even though it did not make sense and I definitely did not understand, I made the conscious decision to trust God and rejoice in his provision. I chose to believe Papa and not the circumstances I could see. I did not see how I could now have contracts in 6 weeks but I did get my asking price offer and I know my God is faithful and so I chose to trust.
As I was praising God I felt he slipped a thought into my head but it seemed impossible so I dismissed it. As I was driving to meet a friend for coffee later, I asked God how his suggestion could be, it did not seem to meet my financial needs. However, my friend suggested the same thing the moment we talked about it. I decided I should seek God more for whether this suggestion is his plan and, in truth, it could mean contracts in 6 weeks, just a different type of contract! This would be a great surprise to me but not to God who knows the beginning from the end and is always faithful, even if it does not look the way we think it should.
So, as I end this blog I am seeking God for whether this new suggestion is right. I know if it is he will confirm it and prepare my steps before me to walk it out. My heart's desire is just to be obedient and only to do what he is calling me to do, so I will await his confirmation before acting. The one thing I can declare with all my heart is that his provision is more than enough and at the right time it will be provided, however it may come!
I hope you have been encouraged by reading this today and believe that next week I will be able to share how God has confirmed the next steps and reveal how his provision is to come. Halelujah! How blessed I am and I hope you feel blessed too.
Wednesday 2 April 2014
A change to the plan or is it just the way Papa planned it?
So where do we go now? I said last time I would tell you about my housemates and my house and that was my plan. However, sitting on a beautiful balcony in sunny Milan chatting with Papa has changed my mind. House and housemates can wait until next time, I want to tell you about the amazing personal journey Papa has had me on. I pray you are encouraged in your own journey as you read mine.
In truth, everything I am writing about in this blog is part of my personal journey, but today I want to focus on the internal stuff, the heart stuff that Papa has been doing In relation to my sudden change in circumstances. I am truly not the same person I was nearly 6 months ago when my husband died, I am radically different because of the grace and healing he has poured out. I am walking more and more into my heart's desire of giving my all for Jesus, nothing held back, no areas withheld from his touch and it's nothing to do with me, it is purely and simply all about him!
The first couple of weeks after my husband died I know God strengthened and upheld me in everything and the same was true on the day of the funeral. His grace was sufficient for my every need. Leading up to the funeral several people had given me words that they had from God saying that my husband was now with Jesus but I said to God that I needed that confirmation for myself. On the day of the funeral as we drove from the church to the crematorium there was a beautiful rainbow, a sign of God's promise to us, as I saw it God just whispered to me 'do not worry, he's here with me'. In that instant I knew that my husband was with Jesus and that I would see him again. A few weeks later God added to this assurance by telling me my husband was now one of the great cloud of witnesses and was cheering me on to finish my race. Wow! What peace and certainty I have in this.
After the funeral I began to go into our house to begin to sort it out. There were some hard days but most of the time I had joy and knew God was working all things for my good. Some people I met seemed concerned that I was not more upset and so I spoke with God about it as I did not want to avoid my grief, but to work through it healthily. God took me to 1 Samuel 17, the story of David and Goliath and showed me two things. The first was that David said that his experience with the bear and the lion had prepared him to fight Goliath and God said that this was the same for me, my life's experience prepared me to walk out my grief. He then showed me that Saul tried to put his armour on David but it was too big and God said that I could only walk out my grief my way and not the way anyone else thought I should.
A few weeks later as I prepared to go visit my son, God told me to take a book 'Windows on Widowhood' with me that had been given to me by a very special lady at the funeral. I did not want to take it. This was going to be my first night on my own since my husband died and I intended to relax and chill out. I did put the book in my bag though, even if reluctantly! When I got to my hotel that night I really felt I should read the book, so I did and I had finished it by the next morning. It was amazing and so affirming of my journey that I wondered, not for the first time, why I do not just take God at his word and do what he says rather than prevaricate a lot of the time. God showed me two things from the book which was written by a widow in her 30s left with three children. The author said that the grief she had felt had been made much more difficult to deal with because she felt so vulnerable as she no longer had her provider or her identity as a wife. This was like manna from heaven for me! Firstly, I had always been the provider and so knew I could always provide for myself. Secondly, my identity is that I am the daughter of a King, God's precious child and though being a wife was a part of my identity, it was not where my assurance or security was found. Again God was showing me that I was doing alright and I could only walk this my way.
Around the time of my husband's death I had moved church at God's direction and I started attending a wonderful church where there were people I had known for a long time. One of the ladies I knew came and gave me a hug and said if I needed a bit of mothering I knew where she was. I did not think much to it at the time but a few weeks later when I had visited my son I felt God say I should contact her. We met for lunch and she paid (it's what mum's do!) and we had a lovely time together. During the conversation she said I needed to forgive my husband for abandoning me as death is the ultimate abandonment. The moment she said it I knew she was right. This lovely lady offered for her and her husband to walk this path with me and, as they are good at this kind of thing, I gladly accepted. Another wonderful present of provision from God.
The weekend before Christmas I was going to stay at my house, I had never spent a night there without my husband, even when he was alive, but really felt it was the right way to deal with the abandonment issue. The first night I just got used to being there and watched lots of rubbish on the TV. The second night I invited Holy Spirit to come and guide me and help me to forgive my husband. I felt Holy Spirit say that I needed to refute the lie that I never loved my husband. This really threw me, I had had ministry in the past for feeling like I was incapable of love but thought it had all been dealt with. Knowing God is faithful and Holy Spirit is wiser than me I decided to do it but then found I could not get the words out, I just could not refute the lie. I do not know for how long I tried without success but then things changed. Suddenly I knew I was not on my own, I had an angel sat on either side of me. I did not open my eyes and I did not see them, I just knew that I knew that I knew that they were there. In that moment I was able to refute the lie, ask forgiveness and declare the truth that I loved my husband very much. I then went on to forgive him for abandoning me and released him into Papa's hands. When I finished an hour and a half had passed and it felt like no more than 30 minutes. It was awesome!
Christmas Day was very hard and I struggled through a lot of the day not to cry, thankfully there were only a few tears and I was surrounded by my husband's family which was good. Boxing Day was different, I had to be social all day on Christmas so I chose to spend Boxing Day, just me and God, in my room. By the end of the day I knew I was ready to face the New Year that was coming and that I was going to have an amazing New Year retreat.
My retreat was at Mount Saint Bernard's Abbey and it was wonderful. I mentioned it in my last post too. I was in bed by 9pm and just talking to God about the approaching year, 2014, my first as a widow. As we were talking I felt God say that I should swap my rings over, that is put my wedding ring on the other hand. I was a bit reluctant as I was concerned what people might think but when God repeated it I chose to be obedient. I slept through the new year and woke at 00:30 and God spoke to me saying that this was going to be a year of blessing for me and that as I pursued him he would be faithful and fulfil all his promises. What better start could I have had to 2014!
The next few months were caught up in sorting out the house and getting it ready to sell. There were a few tears at times but generally sorting through the house was a good time for me with God. When I was getting close to finishing though I began to get very reluctant to go in. It was like I did not actually want to finish it. I spoke to my friends who were walking this path with me and we set a date to meet in a couple of weeks time. In the meantime I knuckled under to get the house done and realised it was my husband's workshop that I was most upset about. Thankfully God provided lots of willing helpers over the last week who kept me motivated to get the job done. Finally the day came to hand the keys to the estate agent for him to sell. The moment he left I sank, I just deflated like an old balloon, all I wanted to do was cry but I was not completely sure why. God in his mercy had already planned for dealing with this as I happened to have my meeting with my dear friends that afternoon. I could not have engineered this but God is always trustworthy, always faithful and so he had made sure that in my moment of need I had the help I needed. It was great and by the end of my time with my friends I had been set free from any negative attachments to the house and was able to receive all the good memories that I had. I know the house my husband and I shared for 12 years is going to be a lovely happy family home for the people who move in next and for that I am so grateful.
Well, that's my journey so far. I pray you have been encouraged. I will tell you more as it happens. There are still a few things I want to tell you before I start writing about my weekly journey and they are, God's amazing provision for Bethel, family reconciliation and the amazing things God has done while I have been here in Milan, he has truly taken me out of my comfort zone. So keep coming back for more. Bye for now.
In truth, everything I am writing about in this blog is part of my personal journey, but today I want to focus on the internal stuff, the heart stuff that Papa has been doing In relation to my sudden change in circumstances. I am truly not the same person I was nearly 6 months ago when my husband died, I am radically different because of the grace and healing he has poured out. I am walking more and more into my heart's desire of giving my all for Jesus, nothing held back, no areas withheld from his touch and it's nothing to do with me, it is purely and simply all about him!
The first couple of weeks after my husband died I know God strengthened and upheld me in everything and the same was true on the day of the funeral. His grace was sufficient for my every need. Leading up to the funeral several people had given me words that they had from God saying that my husband was now with Jesus but I said to God that I needed that confirmation for myself. On the day of the funeral as we drove from the church to the crematorium there was a beautiful rainbow, a sign of God's promise to us, as I saw it God just whispered to me 'do not worry, he's here with me'. In that instant I knew that my husband was with Jesus and that I would see him again. A few weeks later God added to this assurance by telling me my husband was now one of the great cloud of witnesses and was cheering me on to finish my race. Wow! What peace and certainty I have in this.
After the funeral I began to go into our house to begin to sort it out. There were some hard days but most of the time I had joy and knew God was working all things for my good. Some people I met seemed concerned that I was not more upset and so I spoke with God about it as I did not want to avoid my grief, but to work through it healthily. God took me to 1 Samuel 17, the story of David and Goliath and showed me two things. The first was that David said that his experience with the bear and the lion had prepared him to fight Goliath and God said that this was the same for me, my life's experience prepared me to walk out my grief. He then showed me that Saul tried to put his armour on David but it was too big and God said that I could only walk out my grief my way and not the way anyone else thought I should.
A few weeks later as I prepared to go visit my son, God told me to take a book 'Windows on Widowhood' with me that had been given to me by a very special lady at the funeral. I did not want to take it. This was going to be my first night on my own since my husband died and I intended to relax and chill out. I did put the book in my bag though, even if reluctantly! When I got to my hotel that night I really felt I should read the book, so I did and I had finished it by the next morning. It was amazing and so affirming of my journey that I wondered, not for the first time, why I do not just take God at his word and do what he says rather than prevaricate a lot of the time. God showed me two things from the book which was written by a widow in her 30s left with three children. The author said that the grief she had felt had been made much more difficult to deal with because she felt so vulnerable as she no longer had her provider or her identity as a wife. This was like manna from heaven for me! Firstly, I had always been the provider and so knew I could always provide for myself. Secondly, my identity is that I am the daughter of a King, God's precious child and though being a wife was a part of my identity, it was not where my assurance or security was found. Again God was showing me that I was doing alright and I could only walk this my way.
Around the time of my husband's death I had moved church at God's direction and I started attending a wonderful church where there were people I had known for a long time. One of the ladies I knew came and gave me a hug and said if I needed a bit of mothering I knew where she was. I did not think much to it at the time but a few weeks later when I had visited my son I felt God say I should contact her. We met for lunch and she paid (it's what mum's do!) and we had a lovely time together. During the conversation she said I needed to forgive my husband for abandoning me as death is the ultimate abandonment. The moment she said it I knew she was right. This lovely lady offered for her and her husband to walk this path with me and, as they are good at this kind of thing, I gladly accepted. Another wonderful present of provision from God.
The weekend before Christmas I was going to stay at my house, I had never spent a night there without my husband, even when he was alive, but really felt it was the right way to deal with the abandonment issue. The first night I just got used to being there and watched lots of rubbish on the TV. The second night I invited Holy Spirit to come and guide me and help me to forgive my husband. I felt Holy Spirit say that I needed to refute the lie that I never loved my husband. This really threw me, I had had ministry in the past for feeling like I was incapable of love but thought it had all been dealt with. Knowing God is faithful and Holy Spirit is wiser than me I decided to do it but then found I could not get the words out, I just could not refute the lie. I do not know for how long I tried without success but then things changed. Suddenly I knew I was not on my own, I had an angel sat on either side of me. I did not open my eyes and I did not see them, I just knew that I knew that I knew that they were there. In that moment I was able to refute the lie, ask forgiveness and declare the truth that I loved my husband very much. I then went on to forgive him for abandoning me and released him into Papa's hands. When I finished an hour and a half had passed and it felt like no more than 30 minutes. It was awesome!
Christmas Day was very hard and I struggled through a lot of the day not to cry, thankfully there were only a few tears and I was surrounded by my husband's family which was good. Boxing Day was different, I had to be social all day on Christmas so I chose to spend Boxing Day, just me and God, in my room. By the end of the day I knew I was ready to face the New Year that was coming and that I was going to have an amazing New Year retreat.
My retreat was at Mount Saint Bernard's Abbey and it was wonderful. I mentioned it in my last post too. I was in bed by 9pm and just talking to God about the approaching year, 2014, my first as a widow. As we were talking I felt God say that I should swap my rings over, that is put my wedding ring on the other hand. I was a bit reluctant as I was concerned what people might think but when God repeated it I chose to be obedient. I slept through the new year and woke at 00:30 and God spoke to me saying that this was going to be a year of blessing for me and that as I pursued him he would be faithful and fulfil all his promises. What better start could I have had to 2014!
The next few months were caught up in sorting out the house and getting it ready to sell. There were a few tears at times but generally sorting through the house was a good time for me with God. When I was getting close to finishing though I began to get very reluctant to go in. It was like I did not actually want to finish it. I spoke to my friends who were walking this path with me and we set a date to meet in a couple of weeks time. In the meantime I knuckled under to get the house done and realised it was my husband's workshop that I was most upset about. Thankfully God provided lots of willing helpers over the last week who kept me motivated to get the job done. Finally the day came to hand the keys to the estate agent for him to sell. The moment he left I sank, I just deflated like an old balloon, all I wanted to do was cry but I was not completely sure why. God in his mercy had already planned for dealing with this as I happened to have my meeting with my dear friends that afternoon. I could not have engineered this but God is always trustworthy, always faithful and so he had made sure that in my moment of need I had the help I needed. It was great and by the end of my time with my friends I had been set free from any negative attachments to the house and was able to receive all the good memories that I had. I know the house my husband and I shared for 12 years is going to be a lovely happy family home for the people who move in next and for that I am so grateful.
Well, that's my journey so far. I pray you have been encouraged. I will tell you more as it happens. There are still a few things I want to tell you before I start writing about my weekly journey and they are, God's amazing provision for Bethel, family reconciliation and the amazing things God has done while I have been here in Milan, he has truly taken me out of my comfort zone. So keep coming back for more. Bye for now.
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