A change to the plan or is it just the way Papa planned it?

So where do we go now? I said last time I would tell you about my housemates and my house and that was my plan. However, sitting on a beautiful balcony in sunny Milan chatting with Papa has changed my mind. House and housemates can wait until next time, I want to tell you about the amazing personal journey Papa has had me on. I pray you are encouraged in your own journey as you read mine.

In truth, everything I am writing about in this blog is part of my personal journey, but today I want to focus on the internal stuff, the heart stuff that Papa has been doing In relation to my sudden change in circumstances. I am truly not the same person I was nearly 6 months ago when my husband died, I am radically different because of the grace and healing he has poured out. I am walking more and more into my heart's desire of giving my all for Jesus, nothing held back, no areas withheld from his touch and it's nothing to do with me, it is purely and simply all about him!

The first couple of weeks after my husband died I know God strengthened and upheld me in everything and the same was true on the day of the funeral. His grace was sufficient for my every need. Leading up to the funeral several people had given me words that they had from God saying that my husband was now with Jesus but I said to God that I needed that confirmation for myself. On the day of the funeral as we drove from the church to the crematorium there was a beautiful rainbow, a sign of God's promise to us, as I saw it God just whispered to me 'do not worry, he's here with me'. In that instant I knew that my husband was with Jesus and that I would see him again. A few weeks later God added to this assurance by telling me my husband was now one of the great cloud of witnesses and was cheering me on to finish my race. Wow! What peace and certainty I have in this.

After the funeral I began to go into our house to begin to sort it out. There were some hard days but most of the time I had joy and knew God was working all things for my good. Some people I met seemed concerned that I was not more upset and so I spoke with God about it as I did not want to avoid my grief, but to work through it healthily. God took me to 1 Samuel 17, the story of David and Goliath and showed me two things. The first was that David said that his experience with the bear and the lion had prepared him to fight Goliath and God said that this was the same for me, my life's experience prepared me to walk out my grief. He then showed me that Saul tried to put his armour on David but it was too big and God said that I could only walk out my grief my way and not the way anyone else thought I should.

A few weeks later as I prepared to go visit my son, God told me to take a book 'Windows on Widowhood' with me that had been given to me by a very special lady at the funeral. I did not want to take it. This was going to be my first night on my own since my husband died and I intended to relax and chill out. I did put the book in my bag though, even if reluctantly! When I got to my hotel that night I really felt I should read the book, so I did and I had finished it by the next morning. It was amazing and so affirming of my journey that I wondered, not for the first time, why I do not just take God at his word and do what he says rather than prevaricate a lot of the time. God showed me two things from the book which was written by a widow in her 30s left with three children. The author said that the grief she had felt had been made much more difficult to deal with because she felt so vulnerable as she no longer had her provider or her identity as a wife. This was like manna from heaven for me! Firstly, I had always been the provider and so knew I could always provide for myself. Secondly, my identity is that I am the daughter of a King, God's precious child and though being a wife was a part of my identity, it was not where my assurance or security was found. Again God was showing me that I was doing alright and I could only walk this my way.

Around the time of my husband's death I had moved church at God's direction and I started attending a wonderful church where there were people I had known for a long time. One of the ladies I knew came and gave me a hug and said if I needed a bit of mothering I knew where she was. I did not think much to it at the time but a few weeks later when I had visited my son I felt God say I should contact her. We met for lunch and she paid (it's what mum's do!) and we had a lovely time together. During the conversation she said I needed to forgive my husband for abandoning me as death is the ultimate abandonment. The moment she said it I knew she was right. This lovely lady offered for her and her husband to walk this path with me and, as they are good at this kind of thing, I gladly accepted. Another wonderful present of provision from God.

The weekend before Christmas I was going to stay at my house, I had never spent a night there without my husband, even when he was alive, but really felt it was the right way to deal with the abandonment issue. The first night I just got used to being there and watched lots of rubbish on the TV. The second night I invited Holy Spirit to come and guide me and help me to forgive my husband. I felt Holy Spirit say that I needed to refute the lie that I never loved my husband. This really threw me, I had had ministry in the past for feeling like I was incapable of love but thought it had all been dealt with. Knowing God is faithful and Holy Spirit is wiser than me I decided to do it but then found I could not get the words out, I just could not refute the lie. I do not know for how long I tried without success but then things changed. Suddenly I knew I was not on my own, I had an angel sat on either side of me. I did not open my eyes and I did not see them, I just knew that I knew that I knew that they were there. In that moment I was able to refute the lie, ask forgiveness and declare the truth that I loved my husband very much. I then went on to forgive him for abandoning me and released him into Papa's hands. When I finished an hour and a half had passed and it felt like no more than 30 minutes. It was awesome!

Christmas Day was very hard and I struggled through a lot of the day not to cry, thankfully there were only a few tears and I was surrounded by my husband's family which was good. Boxing Day was different, I had to be social all day on Christmas so I chose to spend Boxing Day, just me and God, in my room. By the end of the day I knew I was ready to face the New Year that was coming and that I was going to have an amazing New Year retreat.

My retreat was at Mount Saint Bernard's Abbey and it was wonderful. I mentioned it in my last post too. I was in bed by 9pm and just talking to God about the approaching year, 2014, my first as a widow. As we were talking I felt God say that I should swap my rings over, that is put my wedding ring on the other hand. I was a bit reluctant as I was concerned what people might think but when God repeated it I chose to be obedient. I slept through the new year and woke at 00:30 and God spoke to me saying that this was going to be a year of blessing for me and that as I pursued him he would be faithful and fulfil all his promises. What better start could I have had to 2014!

The next few months were caught up in sorting out the house and getting it ready to sell. There were a few tears at times but generally sorting through the house was a good time for me with God. When I was getting close to finishing though I began to get very reluctant to go in. It was like I did not actually want to finish it. I spoke to my friends who were walking this path with me and we set a date to meet in a couple of weeks time. In the meantime I knuckled under to get the house done and realised it was my husband's workshop that I was most upset about. Thankfully God provided lots of willing helpers over the last week who kept me motivated to get the job done. Finally the day came to hand the keys to the estate agent for him to sell. The moment he left I sank, I just deflated like an old balloon, all I wanted to do was cry but I was not completely sure why. God in his mercy had already planned for dealing with this as I happened to have my meeting with my dear friends that afternoon. I could not have engineered this but God is always trustworthy, always faithful and so he had made sure that in my moment of need I had the help I needed. It was great and by the end of my time with my friends I had been set free from any negative attachments to the house and was able to receive all the good memories that I had. I know the house my husband and I shared for 12 years is going to be a lovely happy family home for the people who move in next and for that I am so grateful.

Well, that's my journey so far. I pray you have been encouraged. I will tell you more as it happens. There are still a few things I want to tell you before I start writing about my weekly journey and they are, God's amazing provision for Bethel, family reconciliation and the amazing things God has done while I have been here in Milan, he has truly taken me out of my comfort zone. So keep coming back for more. Bye for now.