47 years to authenticity...

Wow! I am blown away by the goodness of God and undone by his kindness! I love that he knows what we need and the perfect time to bring it even when we have no clue that we need it. Over recent weeks we have had to do some homework on leadership development and Papa has truly rocked me to the core through the process. I hope you are encouraged as you read on to realise God can uncover the lies we are believing using anything!

For our first leadership development report, amongst other things, we had to do a DISC test. This is a personality test and they have us websites where we could do it for free or we could pay for it. I did the free text and discovered I am very high I (influence) and high D and S (dominance and steadiness) and very little C (compliance). When I had done the first test I found two or three other sites where I could do the test for free too and did them all. They all have me the same results. After all of this I decided I wanted to pay to do the official test and again I got the same results, just with a little more information!

Once all of the tests are done Good asked me if I knew why I had done all the tests? Why I had not been happy doing just one test? I think that I knew the answer but I didn't want to admit it but I also knew he would tell me anyway! He told me that I kept don't more tests because I was expecting to get different answers because I still believed that I was different depending on who I was with and that I behaved differently with everyone. 

He then pointed out that my internal and external results (that is the real me and the me I show the world) were almost identical and this meant that who I am and who I show the world is the same person. He then reminded me of the first prophetic word I was ever given 19 years ago. The word was that it was time for the makes to come off, there was lots of them and it would take a long time but they would all come off. They are all gone he said to me, that is why your results are almost identical because you are so you say you are. Wow!

This was amazing revelation and I so wanted it to be true! However, I was not convinced and as I was writing about who I was and what I was passionate about for my report I had this nagging doubt that I was just writing what I wanted people to believe about me. I was a fake! Once I had written the report I had to get feedback from a couple of people before writing a final paragraph, I asked Lizzie and Amy, my housemates, as they know me best here in Redding.

The morning after I had given them my report Lizzie told me that as she read my report she thought I really know this woman, this is Michelle honestly and openly. This is authentic. Amy added that she agreed with what Lizzie said and that what I shared was accurate and truly who I am and who I strive to be. She agreed with my DISC test in who I am. She said she really felt my heart when she read what I am passionate about and that from what she sees in my daily life she agrees!

Wow! I cried! I was blown away! I had to go to Papa and ask what this meant and he showed me that I had still been believing that I was manipulative as I was many years ago and that I believed that I was a fraud it my personality. Well, we soon nailed that lie to the cross and declared the truth, I am authentic! It may have taken 47 years for me to be able to see what was plain to others but now I not only see it but I know it to be true! Hallelujah!

As I close this post I just want to encourage you, wherever you are at and whatever season you are in to trust God and to trust the process he has you in. He truly knows what he is doing and only has your best interests at heart, he is working to make you the best you you can be and I believe with all my heart, you will get there.

Here's the last paragraph I added to finish my report and remember it took me 47 years to get here!

I am genuine! I am authentic! I am real! This report has been a journey that has shown me that I am truly who Papa says I am and who I have hoped I really am and shown me that there were lies that said otherwise that I was believing. Blown away by his kindness to me in showing me that I am not a fraud in what I offer to the world, another lie that I have nailed to the cross and broken agreement with! So who am I? I am loving, I am generous, I am compassionate, I am a laid down lover of God, I am his daughter, I am a trophy of grace, I am enthusiastic and passionate, I am an encourager, I am a mum, I am me! Thank you Papa!

I bless you to know the truth of who you are in his eyes and your own. You are amazing! You are his child! You are loved! Thank you for reading.

Out of my comfort zone but right in the centre of Papa's heart

It's been a while since my last blog but I hope to get two or in quick succession. I pay they are both fun to read and encouraging!

I want to write about my recent ministry trip to Isla Vista and what God did there, it was amazing and he had definitely opened my eyes as a result of the trip. For those of you who don't know, which is probably most of you, Isla Vista is just north of Santa Barbara on Southern California. It is basically a college town with 20,000 students and we went down to partner with Jesus Burgers for Halloween.

So, Jesus Burgers are this bunch of radical believers who week after week love the students of Isla Vista and part of the way they do that is by giving out free burgers. It truly was a privilege to partner with these guys but more of that later.

Now, a typical Michelle Halloween would involve curling up in bed early with a good book so that I don't have to answer the door to trick or treaters or So this trip was a little out of my comfort zone to say the least. I'm fine with loving people on the street but make those people lots of students in fancy dress, celebrating Halloween and it makes me feel a tad nervous!

On the Friday night before we went out we had a great time of worship and then we got together in mixed teams (there were a couple of teams from Orange County there to help too and lots from the local church). It was a great night and I was challenged a lot but everyone was so open and so friendly, well, except for the scary looking guys we approached because they looked intimidating! I guess that's what you get for going out with the trip leader. As a group by the time I went to bed we had prophesied over a number of people, stepped out in several words of knowledge (including some that were right!) and got to pray for lots of students. A good night all in all.

The next morning a friend and I went for a walk to the beach and to get coffee because most people were still sleeping. At the beach I got very wet as the tide was coming in but I also got to prophesy over a beautiful young student about her heart for justice and her destiny. It was such fun. Then we headed off for coffee, on the way we saw a lady collecting recycling and I said good morning. It was clear that she was profoundly deaf but her speech was understandable with a little concentration. She shared that she would be collecting recycling until about 5 pm and was a very cheerful lady. My friend asked if she could pray for her hearing and she said yes, so after covering her ears with her hands and praying she took her hands of and clicked by her deaf ear. Wow! You could see the surprise on the beautiful lady's face as she said, 'I can hear!' We prayed again and again the look of joy and surprise was on her face as she could hear. She asked if we were magic and we explained that it was Jesus and that he loved her so much, with this we left. How exciting, we had just gone out for us, to walk to the sea and get coffee but God had planned to use us to bless those we saw. This was one of my favourite moments of the whole trip.

That afternoon we did treasure hunts and the team I was with spent ages chatting with a lovely homeless man as he shared about his war room, that is, his prayer room. We were blown away with the privilege of encouraging him and being encouraged by him and as we walked away we realised he had been one of our treasures!

That night we went out for Halloween and I felt so much more bold than the night before, it was great! I stepped out with words of knowledge, lots were wrong but praise Jesus that some were right! I love that as we step out and take risk we realise that it does not matter if we get it wrong, we don't die and the ground does not open up and swallow us up and generally right or wrong the word opens up a conversation and we get to show the love of God anyway. Awesome!

The next day (Sunday) we had church on the beach and two of our team were baptised. Such a beautiful time and just a real privilege to be there. In the afternoon we then led the Isla Vista church service before prophesying over some of their leadership in the evening. What an honour to speak into the lives of these amazing people who have laid down their lives to love the students of Isla Vista. They are truly a great bunch of people and I loved getting to encourage them in this way.

On Monday we went to Santa Barbara for the day as we had free time. We had a great day even though the heavens opened and the rain came down. It was such fun spending time laughing and relaxing with the team.

That evening we got to do 15 minutes of prophesy over anybody from the church or community who wanted to be ministered to in this way. I was with two other students and we prophesied over a few people and then 2 brothers came to us. One brother explained that he had brought his brother and it felt quite obvious that the other brother had absolutely no belief whatsoever, in fact, it felt like he was there just to disprove God! We explained what prophecy was and then I went for a word of knowledge, it was wrong. Another team member then went for a word of knowledge, it was wrong too. Not a good start! The third member of our team started talking about how it was okay to question God, to doubt God and then things began to flow. We shared how he was a dreamer and had crazy dreams but this was because he was a Joseph (we had to explain who Joseph was as he did not know) and you could see this impacting him. Then God said to tell him that he had already given Good an ultimatum and said, 'if you are real God then......' and that God was going to answer this. Again you could see the reality of this in his face. The guy on our team then started talking to him about how he had been hurt as a young boy and God was sorry for this and the tears started, they started with the young man we were prophesying over, then his brother started crying and then one by one our team cried too. God had me ask forgiveness of this young man as a mum for not protecting him and for not speaking truth and hope into his life, it felt so powerful and that's when the tears began to fall for me as I knelt before him. After a while God had us speak hope into his life about music and that he would have the favour of Joseph on his life and we finally ended prophesying over him after 45 minutes. As this young man left he said that he was overwhelmed as he had not expected what he had received, he had expected nothing and he had never had people cry for him before. It was so humbling to be used this way and this was truly one of the most amazing encounters I have ever had the privilege of being part of and was definitely the highlight of my trip. My team and I just hugged, cried and praised Jesus for a while after this as we were pretty overwhelmed too.

Our last day was a day off blessing the Lomelino's, the amazing family who oversee the Isla Vista church and Jesus Burgers. It was great to be able to serve them and give to a family who have truly laid down their lives for the kingdom. If you would like to know more about the church and Jesus Burgers then check out this website http://islavistachurch.org/upper-room-and-jesus-burgers/ and get hold of the two books Jason Lomelino has written that are full of amazing testimonies of God showing up as they simply give away burgers with love every week.

I hope you have been blessed and encouraged reading this. I know I will never be the same again after this trip as I have truly seen lives laid down for the kingdom in love and humility and the impact that has. I have seen how easy it is to partner with God and see the miraculous as we walk out every day things and I have seen how when we let Holy Spirit lead he knows exactly how to meet someone right where they are at and impact them the most. I have seen how even when we get things wrong Papa loves us because we stepped out and turns things to good because it does not depend on us but on him who lives inside us and he is always faithful! I encourage you to step out and take a risk this week and see what he will do!

Last thing, there was lots and lots of police out on the streets of Isla Vista on Halloween and it felt over the top until you knew that two years ago someone was killed at Halloween there. This year there were pictures in the paper after Halloween of the police playing Frisbee with party goers in the street. How amazing what a difference a group of laid down lovers of Jesus can make when they choose to love their community!

Called by a new name....

So a few weeks have passed since my last blog and we have just finished week 4 of school. It has been intense! It has been life changing! It has been amazing fun! So here goes with an update!

First, why am I here? Why am I back to spend 9 months in ministry school? After spending some time with Papa this is my answer, I am here to pursue God with all that I am and to become fully who he created me to be, his favourite daughter who looks just like Jesus!

So now for a little of that journey, or at least the first few steps! A couple of weeks ago at church I was given a word that God was going to reveal a new aspect of my heart to me during service. As worship began I went to the front but felt like I shouldn't be there so I went to the back instead. I saw a young girl there who has moved to Redding and who Papa has had me encourage a few times, we hugged and she said she was pleased to see me back and asked if we could spend some time together. I was happy to say yes and it felt like the right response. 

I began to worship, got on my knees and told Papa that I was ready and available for all he wanted to do. Pretty soon I was on my face as I felt my heart being expanded, the only way I can describe it is to say that it felt very uncomfortable and like my heart was too big for my chest and then it grew some more. I willingly received this, one of my heart cries for many years is that I want to be Papa's love on legs and this felt like it was helping! 

After a while I say back onto my knees and a beautiful first year came and gave me a word that God loves my sweet spirit and delights in me. Great encouragement! I went back to worshiping, it was the only natural response! The next time I opened my eyes the young girl I had spoken to earlier was at close by and she was weeping. I just held her, stroked her hair and kissed her without saying a word. As I was doing it I was just so aware of this overwhelming sense of love I had for her and that was it. After a while she stopped crying, we hugged and the service went on. I knew Papa had done something and had definitely expanded my heart but I could not have told you the new aspect of my heart he had revealed.

The next day I was going for dinner with a friend so that we could have a good catch up. As we were talking I began to share about what had happened at church the night before and suddenly revelation hit me! I was crying as I realised that what Papa had shown me the night before, and I had missed because I didn't think it was true, was that I have a pure heart. Wow! This was an amazing and beautiful revelation to me that completely took me by surprise! My friend however was not surprised, well only in the fact that I did not know it. Later when I shared with my housemates their only surprise too was that I was not aware of this. Thank you Papa that you brought revelation and then the confirmation I needed too, you know me so well!

All of this (surprise, surprise!) was to set me up for what he had for me during the next week. It started when one of the interns asked me what the year looked like for me and I said becoming fully me. She then asked me to define that and I said I was pursuing fearlessness as this was the first word that came to mind of the things I was pursuing. She then shared how she had pursued fearlessness in 1st and 2nd year and was pursuing love this year and encouraged me in my journey,

Later that night as I spent some time with Papa be reminded me that 3 times last year I had received words from different people about being a fearless lover. Wow! I then spent some time talking with him about pursuing being a fearless lover, what that looks like and how I chase after it. Unsurprisingly he told me that I chase Street it by pursuing him, by ministering to his heart. What a privilege! Before he would tell me what it looks like he asked would I like to know how I'm known in heaven? Well of course I would, well, at least, I think I would! He then told me that in heaven I am called Fearless Lover. Wow! Talk about being blown away by his goodness, this was just such a moment!

As I sat and pondered what this meant and what it would look like he whispered to me, 'it looks like you being fully you, fully who I created you to be and it looks like Jesus and like you fulfilling your destiny.' Wow! What on earth can you reply when the Creator of everything whispers such wonders to you? All I could do was get on my knees and say, 'YES! YES! YES! I give my this year and the rest of my life to pursuing you, to ministering to your heart and to becoming fully Fearless Lover.'

So I have a new name and it has blown my mind that Almighty God would call me Fearless Lover. He truly does take the foolish things of this world, the weak things of this world, the least of this world and declare great and extraordinary things over them. I am so excited to see where this journey takes me and to see what great and extraordinary things he does through me as I take him at his word and pursue his face.

Thank you for reading. There was more I wanted to write but it can wait for another day, I hope you are encouraged to pursue him with all you are and to see what great and extraordinary things he wants to do through you. You are amazing, his favourite child, his greatest delight and as you turn towards him he is running, arms wide open towards you! Be blessed!

4,500 miles and so, so, so much more!

It's hard to believe that it was almost 3 months ago that I arrived back in the UK from Redding, the time has flown by and I am now back in the States for the next 9 months for 2nd year BSSM. Though the summer has gone very quickly it has been amazing and I feel so blessed to have spent it with wonderful people. Papa was faithful to his word and continued to teach me and heal me. I truly am blessed indeed!

Over the course of the summer I have driven over 4,500 miles in the UK visiting friends and family. It has been great fun to catch up and share a little of what I have learnt and how I have grown while at BSSM. As I have travelled up and down the country I have been reminded of how much I love England, the countryside is so beautiful, so green! The other thing I have been constantly reminded of is how blessed I am because of the wonderful friends and family I have. I am truly blessed to love and be loved by so many and this summer has reminded me not to take these precious relationships for granted. 

We were created for relationship, firstly with God and then with each other and it is a privilege to walk this life, this adventure out with so many amazing people. A special thank you to all of you who were part of my summer, you truly helped make it spectacular, whether we had a quick chat or an extended stay you were a real blessing to me.

Papa continued the transformation in me over the summer too and my wardrobe has completely changed and no one is more surprised than me, though I know a few others were too! It started before I left Redding when I bought a couple of dresses and Papa said to me that he wanted me to wear a dress every Sunday to church while I was home for the summer. For this to make sense, I guess I should point out now that all my life I have lived in trousers, skirts and dresses have been something I have worn for special occasions or just the odd occasion! Over the past few years my wardrobe had been slowly changing but that just meant I had started wearing women's tops more than mens t-shirts!

So to the complete transformation Papa has taken me on this summer. As I said he told me to wear dresses to church and so I did but there was so much more to come! The first thing was that I saw a dress/tunic and liked it and so I bought it. Then a few days later I was with a friend in Warrington and saw Laura Ashleys had a sale on, now, until this particular day I had never felt the need to enter a Laura Ashley store but this day, not only did I go in but I bought two tunic type tops. Wow! Over the next couple of weeks I bought several more tunic tops, a couple of long skirts, some leggings and even a dress! This definitely was a new adventure for me. I even got to quite like shopping!

At the end of June I went on a wonderful holiday to Italy with a very dear friend. I went for 10 days and only took one pair of trousers, now that truly was miraculous! Amazingly (though not surprisingly to Papa) I have not worn trousers since, except for once, my wardrobe truly is transformed and I feel so comfortable in my new clothes, something I would never have expected. 

As I was going through this process I asked Papa what was happening and he told me that finally my outside matches my inside! For many years he has been healing my femininity on the inside and at least it was time for my outside to reflect this. I am so grateful for his patience, blown away by his favour, and so loving the confidence he has given me in knowing that I am enough, I am his favourite daughter, I am a beautiful woman, I am me!

Lastly, I want to tell you about how Papa has made me whole in one area of my life and through that has brought family reconciliation after about 30 years. This to me is an enormous miracle, especially the wholeness he has brought into me. There is a member of my family who hurt me a lot  when I was young and I have not had any relationship with this person in a long time and never wanted any, in fact I planned to kill them, well I thought about it a lot anyway. When I was saved God said I needed to forgive them, so I did because God would hold them accountable and I did not have to have any relationship with them. A few years later Papa asked me to release them from his judgement too, that is to fully forgive them and pray for their salvation. I did this but declared I would not do relationship with them! 

Now, over this last year Papa has done some amazing things in me, many of which are written in this blog and as part of that process I began to declare that I would hug this person this summer. We had no relationship, they would not talk to me but would hang up the phone on me if I was ringing their wife and they lived separately from their wife. In other words, there was no earthly way I was going to get to hug them but I knew I wanted to hug them so they felt my love and forgiveness. I continued to stste my intention, both as a prophetic declaration and, in part I think, to convince myself that it would happen! After I got home for the summer though I realised that I did not just want to hug them but I wanted relationship too. Miraculous! Amazing transformation and wholeness in me!

In July I was off to see the wife of this person. I see her about once a month when I am home but her husband has never been there when I am. Imagine my surprise (I know I shouldn't of been but I was) when he was there! My first thought, after thanking Papa, was to wonder how I could but him without it being completely awkward. I need not have worried as he came to hug me, granted he was like a wooden puppet and very awkward, but I just got to hug him in return! Amazing! I drove home praising Jesus and asking how I could doubt him for any reconciliation or any provision. He is able to make the impossible possible and he loves doing it and blowing my mind in the process.

The next a step was that I realised that if I wanted relationship with him I would have to pursue it as it would not happen otherwise. So, I rang his wife (who I was taking away for a night in August) and asked if he would like to join us. He said yes! I was blown away again, not only had Papa done what I had asked but he had prepared me for the abundantly more!

The day arrived that I was taking them both away and I was so excited, excited to see what Papa would do and how the trip would go. I picked them up and we had good fun looking at some ruins, a cathedral and a museum. Thank you Jesus for a shared passion for history! After a lovely meal in the evening and a visit to Europe's smallest bar (just 8 metres square) we headed back to the hotel. The next day I drove them home after a good breakfast and it was wonderful. I truly did enjoy myself and loved spending time with them both. Miraculous, not only is Papa restoring a relationship but he is restoring it to be better than it ever was before!

This amazing summer has left me expectant and excited for this year at BSSM. Watch this space to see what unfolds.

I hope you have been blessed in reading and encouraged that God truly is the God of the impossible and works all things to good for those who love him. So remember, if it's not good then it's not over!

Reflections that are hopefully worth the wait!

I am sitting overlooking the most beautiful landscape as I enjoy coffee at the Heights of Abraham and reflecting with God on many things, including my lack of posts for a few months, so here goes some reflections and maybe some ramblings too!

So, where to start, I guess a good place is with graduation and the days leading up to it. I was blown away when my revival group nominated me for the M Earl Johnson Award, this is like a student of the year award, and Papa used this to show me the long lasting impact I have had this year in people's lives just by being me. How amazing is it that just by being who I was created to be, just by loving as I do, just by caring as I do, Papa has used me in the most astounding ways to build up, support and encourage so many people around me. I truly am so thankful for the privilege that is mine, I get to walk with, both in the UK and America, some amazing people and to top it all off, Papa uses me to bless them. Funny how Kingdom works, as I give away who I am I receive so much more in return. I love it! I didn't win the award but just being nominated was an honour and Papa taught me about seeking only his affirmation and letting my heart be heard through the process. Amazing!

Next came the knighting ceremony where Bill Johnson and Kris Valloten each placed a sword on our shoulders to commission us as sent ones. I had been told that this was significant but was unprepared for how impacted I was by it all. The day is very well planned as they have about 1100 students to knight but it is very fast paced. Lots of the students as they knelt had their eyes closed but I wanted to see Bill and Kris as they knighted me so I kept mine open. As I waited I was so expectant, so full of anticipation, I knew God was going to do something so I told him that I wanted whatever he had to give me and I was not disappointed, though I am not sure I could tell you fully what I received. As I was knighted I felt the pleasure that Bill and Kris had for me, I felt their pride in me as my spiritual fathers. Wow! I was blown away by the knowledge that my heavenly Father is not the only one who takes pleasure in me, a truly new experience and a tremendous blessing. I am still walking out with Papa the fullness of what he did that day and it may, at some point, make it into another post.

At graduation they showed a trailer of a film they are making of the missions trips to the UK. I had seen this at the morning graduation and just enjoyed seeing some lovely countryside but as I watched it in the afternoon I began to cry. I was overwhelmed with a sense of wanting to be home, of wanting to be back in the UK. God is so gracious because I did not feel like this until I had finished school and could begin to look forward to heading home. It was still a strange feeling though because it felt like I was going on a vacation rather than going home as I knew I would only be back for 3 months. I also have a home and a bedroom in Redding but I don't in the UK. 

The rest of graduation was wonderful as we celebrated one another, though it was also bittersweet as I said goodbye to dear, dear friends who have become family and will not be there for second year. It is official, I am a BSSM alumni!

Three weeks after finishing school I headed back to the UK, excited to see friends and family and expectant to see the adventure that Papa and I were heading on. Three weeks in and I can truly say I am blessed and life is good. I am still realising some of what Papa has done over the past year and also stepping into new truths. Good is so good and I love this journey be has me on. Here are a few of my highlights from my first few weeks in England and my last few days in America.

When I was talking to God about the summer I asked for a wardrobe, it was my one request. This may seem a little strange but I wanted to feel at home and living out of a suitcase is not conducive to that! Amazingly, not only did I get a wardrobe but I got a home, I was welcomed as a member of the family. Blessed indeed! Add to this the wonderful welcome I received from my church family and I can truly say that I am happy to be home and looking forward to the few months I get to spend here. So thankful to Papa for sorting this out for me. I am loved indeed!

While I was away I got to know God as Father much more as I learnt to spend time in the secret place. It was wonderful, whenever I chose to go there be was waiting, eager to spend time with me too. How amazing that God Almighty, Creator of the universe wants to spend time with us, he wants relationship with us. I find that truth mind blowing and so comforting! As I was preparing to come home for the summer I began realising that I don't know Holy Spirit as well as I know Papa and Jesus and so I determined to spend my summer getting to know him more. I started by setting an hourly alarm on my phone so that I could recognise his presence and thank him for his guidance and be more aware of him in my life. As I did this I felt Holy Spirit tell me that I did not trust him. This threw me, Holy Spirit is God and God is good, so how could I not trust him? Holy Spirit showed me that I trusted Jesus because he is the reason that I am saved, he met me in the depths of my sin and so is trustworthy. He reminded me too of the journey I had gone on to learn to trust Papa and through this he made me realise that I had never done this with him. Wow! I was surprised but thankfully I knew just what to do! I said sorry to Holy Spirit for not trusting him and declared that he was good and that I did trust him. That night, my last night in America I slept very badly because I had a trapped nerve in my shoulder and and as I lay awake I declared afresh that Holy Spirit was good and that I trusted him and asked that he would show me how goodness the next day. 

As soon as I got up I planned to step my bed so that I could wash my sheets but Lizzie asked and asked if she could do it for me. Wow! Thank you! Next, Lizzie and I were TSA approved when we got to security at the airport, I have no idea how this happened but we did not have to take off our shoes or take anything out of our bags. Wow! Thank you! The next blessing was that they checked my cabin bag for free all the way to London, I have had this happen for a particular flight before but never an entire journey. Wow! Thank you! For our first flight I say right at the back so that I could have an aisle seat and be more comfortable with my arm and shoulder, however, we did not have long between landing and our next flight. Amazingly, the flight crew said there's were a couple of people with international flights could people let them off first and we were off in 5 minutes. Wow! Thank you! My last Holy Spirit blessing of the day came on our 8 1/2 hour flight to the UK, Lizzie was say on an aisle in the middle row and nobody sat beside her and she swapped with me. It meant I had room to move and no one could knock my arm or shoulder. Wow! Thank you! Though the journey was uncomfortable I was truly blessed as Holy Spirit began teaching me about how faithful he is, about how good be is through the process. Love that this is part of my journey for the summer to do this more! God is good, Father, Son and Holy Spirit!

Some of what God has been teaching me is that love always wins and what that looks like. It looks like relationship over being right, it looks like seeing Jesus in everyone I meet and calling that out, it looks like stopping for the one in front of me and joining in with what Papa is doing. Most of all, thankfully, it looks like being me, it looks like me becoming who I was created to be and learning to walk that it hand in hand with Holy Spirit. This is my summer journey as I get to know Holy Spirit better, to learn to do this in every situation more and more, to learn to walk naturally supernaturally. The truth is, I have a long way to go on this journey but I have the best teacher I could ever hope for. He is patient and kind, loves to teach me and to be in my company, just as well as he lives in me! I am blessed with the best as a friend would say!

I have learnt so much this year, some of which I am aware of and some I am still working through but there are two things that I am to have shared more than anything else since being back so I will share them here.

The first is: Be you because you are the best you but you will only ever be a second rate someone else!

The second is: Good promises to work all things for good so, if it's not good then it's not over! 

I hope to post again soon but God has spoken to me about finishing the book I started before my husband died, so we will see. Whatever happens I will be writing but I hopefully that will include a post or two.

Lastly, thank you for reading this and getting this far! I hope it had been encouraging and not too mixed up. I have loved this year and am loving my summer at home in England. I truly do have a blessed life because I have a good God. This doesn't mean it's always sunshine and roses (read my earlier posts if you don't believe me) but it does mean I know it will all work out in the end because that's what my Papa promises and I know tthat, if I choose to, I can walk through every circumstance with joy, even through the tears! This is the wonderful truth that is open to everyone who believes, life and life in all its fullness! 

Guatamala! Part 1

Wow! I am forever changed and have left a little piece of my heart in Guatamala with the amazing people that I met there. I knew the trip would be great but I could not have foreseen just what wonders Papa had in store for me and the team. I was and continue to be blown away by how well he works all things together for my good, especially in the truly unexpected ways he does it, like bringing me to Guatamala to bring me healing as I watch my team minister to prostitutes but more of that later.

Before I tell you more about what God did in me I want to tell you about some of the things he did through our team. 19 of us went from BSSM, including 2 leaders and they really were all amazing. We were family and we loved and cared for one another well. We also had wonderful Guatamalans working with us and they became like family too. We were so blessed, we had amazing accommodation, translators and 2 great families who worked with us. It was great to pour into the Guatamalans we worked with and see them grow and be encouraged too.

The first day we got to go to the bus terminal where there is lots of poverty, including lots of kids. Some of the team went to spend time with the kids and youth and some of us went around the streets seeing who God wanted to heal. One of our teams saw a deaf ladies ear open as she began to hear again. Thank you Jesus! My team prayed for an old man with back and neck pain and the pain went away completely and he had a wonderful smile on his face. Thank you Jesus! We also got to pray and prophesy over 2 sisters and see Jesus touch them as they received fresh hope into their lives. There were many other encounters too, the people were so open to God and he did not disappoint them.

The next day we went to a hospice to pray for the 5 children who were there. The team spent time with the children, parents and staff while I went, with another couple of team members, to intercede in the chapel. After we had been praying for a while one of the guys mentioned that there was no life in the garden, that is there were no birds. We realised that we had not seen a single bird since we arrived so we began to prophesy life into the garden. A few minutes later a bird came into the garden and stayed! We took this as a prophetic sign that life was coming into that place and so declared this. We then praised God for all he was doing. When we left, the chapel felt very different, the atmosphere had changed and there was hope there.

In the afternoon we went to a park and saw several salvations and a couple of people rededicating their lives to Jesus. Marina was the lady I talked with, I saw her as we were worshipping, she stood as if mesmerised with tears running down her cheeks. As we chatted with her she shared that she had served God once but had been hurt by the church and now she was a prostitute and the church did not want her. We told her Jesus lived her very much and he had not forsaken her but the hurt from the church was in the way. After I shared a little of my testimony she said we could pray for Jesus to soften her heart. He did and she said she wanted to invite Jesus back into her heart. Thank you Jesus for your love and compassion. She looked so different and though she had no other means to support her family but prostitution we prayed that God would bring another means and I believe he will. My translator invited the lady to her church. After we had finished Marina told us she was going to cook for God and then asked if our team would sing for her which we did.

Saturday was the next day and we went to a Verbo church in Palin, some of our guys did some teaching there and some of us went out on the streets. I went out with a group and we had an amazing time. Two encounters stick out. The first was with an old man called Francesca, when we saw him he was sat with his head in his hands and looked very down. He could not speak, not even a whisper but he said we could pray for him. After we prayed for him a couple of times he was able to speak and he explained he had not been able to speak for 15 days. He then told us that he knew Jesus had sent us but he did not know Jesus. He said he wanted to do so he invited Jesus into his life. Praise Jesus! When we left he was sat with his head up and a big smile on his face. the second encounter was with a lady called Maria who had pain in her hands and knees. We encouraged our young translator to pray for her and her pain completely left. This was exciting because it showed our translator that God wanted to use her for healing. Thank you Jesus!

In the afternoon at the church we gave out some words of knowledge and I prayed for the pastor with another couple of people who had pain in his left knee. We prayed and his pain level went from an 8 to a 5. As we prayed a second time I started to laugh, I had my hand on his knee but I could not pray, I just laughed. After a few minutes, I was still laughing, we asked him to check out his knee and it was fully healed! Thank you Jesus! Laughter truly is the best medicine!

We were back at the church on the Sunday morning and some of the team taught the children about healing and we had them come in and take part in the ministry time. One group of boys saw a man who was blind in one eye receive his sight back. Praise Jesus! There were lots of healings that morning and all of them involved the children. Wow! There truly is no junior Holy Spirit!

The next day, as we were worshipping before going out to an area where there were prostitutes, I felt overwhelmed and my heart hurt. I did not really know what it was but thought Papa was breaking my heart afresh as this is a continuous prayer of mine. I let the leaders know how I was feeling and off we went. When we got to the area I joined the guys who were worshipping in the middle of the street but I was definitely struggling, though I still could not tell you why. As we were worshipping I was watching our teams go up and down the street and loving on the women there. They were amazing, in the middle of the pain and the mess in that place, they just loved those ladies so well. Suddenly something clicked in my heart and I began to worship, I did not know what Papa had done but I knew he had done something.

After we got home I went and spent some time with Papa to talk about what he had done, I was blown away by what he revealed. He showed me that there was a part of my story that I was still ashamed of, a part of me that I felt was unloveable! Wow! I believed I had no shame but he showed me this was just not true, I just kept this part pushed down so I did not have to think about it. The issue was that many years previously I had prostituted myself so that I could make money for drugs. I had not gone out on the streets but I had someone I would ring or who would ring me and then they would come and pay me for sex. None of my friends at the time knew about this because prostitution was considered the lowest of the low and I would have been, or at least I believed I would have been, ostracised. As a result of carrying this shame I believed there was a part of me that was unloveable and that I could not reveal it to people.

For about 20 years I had carried this and had not felt free to share it much at all, it was not usually a part of my testimony because I feared rejection. I could not have told you this though as I had kept it hidden from me too! As I watched the amazing young people on our team loving on the girls on the street, Papa showed me that I was loveable to the core and that nothing could change that. For the first time I believed I could truly share and be loved. Wow! I was a blubbering mess! That night I shared this testimony with the team, explaining that their love of the girls had hit my heart and changed how I viewed myself. It truly was the hardest testimony I have ever given. When I was done though the whole team just surrounded me, loved me and prayed for me and my heart was fully healed. Thank you team! Thank you Jesus!

The next morning I woke up knowing I needed to break the agreement with shame and deal with the lie that I was unloveable. I found one of our amazing team members and just prayed through these things and they just stood in agreement with me. Halelujah! I knew what Papa had done had been sealed in my heart and that I was free indeed! Thank you Papa!

Wow! We were not even half way through our trip and Papa had brought me great freedom in something I had no idea I needed freedom in. How awesome is that! There is much more to tell but part 2 will come soon. I hope you have been blessed and that you know there is nothing that you have done that makes any part of you unloveable. Papa says you are worth it, that you are loved by his perfect love and that nothing can separate you from that love. Amazing! We are blessed indeed!

Peace and hope in the heartache.

So, this post is about my experiences this week and how Papa is always good, always faithful and how I am learning more and more to trust him in every circumstance. I pray you are encouraged as you read.

Last Monday morning I woke up to a message from someone very dear to me saying that they would never speak to me again. This is one of the most important people in my life and I was devastated. There had been no great argument or falling out, just very different views held about the subject of forgiveness. I went straight to God on my knees with a big box of tissues!

I know God is good all the time and I know that he works all things together for good for those who love him, my life is testimony to this. So, as I came before the Lord, I started by declaring who he was, my trust in him and that I knew he would turn this situation to good too, though I could not see how. Then I poured out my heart and my emotion and the fact that this was so hard and I did not understand it.

As I knelt before God I began to be reminded of promises that he had given me and also began to see the truths in me the enemy was trying to attack, the things I had been stepping out in that he would love for me to stop, the new level of authority I was walking in. I knew that I needed to grieve the loss of the relationship but I also knew I could stand on the truths and the promises that God had given to me. I had joy, not joy that laughs out loud but joy that says that even through the grief, even through the tears, what I stand on is greater, it is the promises of God! Wow!

That day at school was full of tears, they fell constantly as I grieved the loss of this relationship. It was also full of support and encouragement from Papa through the people around me. Some knew what had happened, most did not, but all of them loved me well. Throughout the day I was reminded afresh of how amazing the people are he has placed around me, both here and at home. Family, both natural and spiritual is so important when we face tough times, they are often the physical manifestation of Papa for us, as well as those he uses to speak his truth to us and I found both of these to be true again this week.

As I went to bed that night I was fully expecting the tears to carry on for a day or two but when I awoke on Tuesday morning Papa had a different plan. Firstly, I awoke with Habbakuk 3:17-19 in my mind which says we will rejoice in the Lord even though there is no provision. It also says that he makes our feet like hinds feet and puts us on the heights. I felt Papa ask me what it meant to be on the heights, that is in high places. I did not know and he said that to be in the high places means to see from his perspective and not be swayed by earthly circumstances. It is to be like David and look at Goliath and say, 'you cannot win because the battle and the victory are God's.' I felt Papa say that this was what I had done the day before, though I had grieved (a completely natural process at a loss) I had declared that God was good and that his promises were true that he had made regarding the relationship. I felt his pleasure in me. Wow! What a start to the day.

My first class that day was prophetic intercession and city transformation, where we learn about an aspect of intercession, seek God for his plan for the day and then go on a prophetic prayer walk. It is so good! This day as we began to soak and listen to what God wanted to do all I got was restoration and reconciliation. I thought this was me and not God because of my circumstances so I was not going to share. However, the first person who shared talked about Belfast and the need for the religious spirit there to be gone and I knew my words linked with that and so I shared. It was clear by the time we had all shared that relationship, reconciliation and restoration were on God's heart that day for our intercession.

We had a great time making declarations over Belfast, Ireland and Redding about restored families, restored relationships and community restoration. It was amazing. When we had finished I felt Papa say that all the declarations we had made were for my situation too and that I should share that. I did and as I shared I received the most amazing gift of peace. It truly did transcend understanding and I was able to say that I believe my broken relationship will be restored this year, but even if I am wrong I will trust my Papa and rejoice in his provision for me. Wow! What a wonderful gift.

The gift did not end there either, all week in school Papa brought me confirmation after confirmation that I was standing in his will and he was pleased with me. Almost every speaker we had shared something that was so pertinent to my current experience. It was amazing, I felt so loved, so cherished, so cared for by Papa, that he would set the whole week up just to encourage his daughter, just to let me know that I was going in the right direction and he is faithful and true. Papa even used Bill's Sunday preach at Bethel to bring more confirmation and encouragement. So awesome! I ended the week knowing I can trust Papa to resolve this issue for me and I have all the resources I need to walk in freedom, to refute all the lies of the enemy and know the truth. I am truly blessed.

So, a week later as I sat in the sun writing this post, I know it will all work out. I know that as I keep my eyes fixed on Papa he will give me the grace to walk this out with peace and joy. I know that though there will be moments of sadness, nothing can steal the hope I have because my Papa is faithful, he can be nothing else. I know too that his timing is perfect no matter how long it may take. Therefore, my declaration is remains that my God is good all the time, he is faithful and he works all things to good for me because I love him and as a result of this, I will trust him however my earthly circumstances look!

I hope you have been encouraged to know that you can trust God in every circumstance and to learn to look to him and not what you see with your eyes. He is always faithful, always good and he loves you passionately, fiercely, completely!

It is finished!

So, this post is about what God has had me thinking about over recent weeks. In various contexts I have been hearing that Jesus does not have to do anything else, it was all done at the cross but what does that mean? So I have been meditating on these things with God and this is the result of that process. This is not a finished process as God is always bringing fresh insight and revelation but this is where I have reached and what I feel I am to share. So here goes!

"It is finished!" These were Jesus' last words on the cross as he gave up his spirit and died, over recent weeks they have been a challenge to me. What is finished and what does that mean for my life and how I live it today? Big questions!

Funny, I don't actually think these are just big questions. I think they are the biggest questions and the answers are the most important to my life. I don't mean the off pat answers that we can give without thinking, I mean, if I truly get to the heart of these questions, that is, to the heart of Jesus' statement, what do I discover then?

So, let's start with what Jesus meant when he said, 'it is finished'. To Jesus, his mission on earth was finished. He had completed the task that Father had given him. I think to truly know what was finished though, we have to consider where Jesus went next and what he did there. Scripture says Jesus descended into hell and he took the keys of authority from satan before rising from the dead. These are the keys of authority over the earth that Adam and Eve gave to satan when they chose to listen to him instead of God. 

Wow! Jesus took back the keys that had been lost in the garden, what does that mean? To discover that we need to find out what the original purpose was in the garden, that is, what Adam and Eve were given authority over and why. 

In Genesis, it tells of God creating the world and he declares it to be good. When he creates Adam and Eve he declares them to be very good. Think about it, that is quite a statement; God, who by nature is good, said that his creation was good and human beings are very good. 

Next God commissions Adam and Eve and tells them to, 'be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.' Wow! Human beings were created to have dominion over the earth. We were created to make the whole earth like the garden of Eden, little by little, as we increased in number to advance the garden.

So, in the garden it was good. There was no pain, no sickness, no sin, just a relationship to have with God and a job to do (increase in number and subdue the earth). This was the intention for human beings before our authority was handed over to satan.

As a result of this I believe that when Jesus said, 'it is finished', he meant that he had done all that was needed to redeem the original intention. That is, to redeem us to be who we were created to be before Adam and Eve handed over the authority to satan. To bring about God's original design for us to live as his sons and daughters and walk daily with him.

I believe that on the cross the following things happened:

Jesus bore our sin so that we can live a sinless life

Jesus bore our sickness so that we can live in full health

Jesus took our poverty so that we can receive his provision

Jesus carried our brokenness so that we can be whole

Jesus took back the authority so that we could step back into the original intention, to advance the garden (the kingdom)

Jesus became an orphan so that we can become sons!

Wow! That is powerful stuff. Jesus lived a sinless life and then took all my sin, shame, guilt, disease and brokenness upon himself on the cross. He fully identified with me so that I could freely receive all that he had done for me, everything! The answer to my first question then, is that when Jesus said, 'it is finished', he meant that he had done everything to give me life, life in abundance, life in all its fullness, life as it was intended to be; whole, healthy and sin free. 

Wow! How amazing is that? God in his infinite love for us gave everything to bring us back into relationship with him and into his original intention. He looks at us again and says it is very good! His heart is for us to walk with him as Jesus did, Jesus was our example of life in all its fullness.

So, what does this mean for how I live my life? Well, I think it means that I should live a sin free life in health and wholeness, advancing the kingdom wherever I go. Is this what my life looks like? In part but not completely, at least not yet! I believe this is the intent though and I will keep pushing deeper and deeper into God until I see this as a reality in my life, either here on earth or when I meet Jesus in heaven!

So what does not match this in my life? I still sin sometimes, I am not a sinner but a saint but I still choose sometimes to do the wrong things! I am not in full health, I have an under active thyroid and diseased gums. I am not completely whole, this is a process and I am glad to say I am well on the way. I do not always speak out a word of knowledge or offer to pray in the market place when I feel led and I do not see all who come to me healed and set free.

I believe Jesus has paid all that needs to be paid and that I can walk in all of that abundance and life now and so I will keep pressing on to see it be a reality. I don't know why this is not my full experience now but I will not lower my theology to match my experience but trust God to bring my experience in line with his theology. That is, the perfect theology that is Jesus!

Be blessed as you push in for more and see these truths come to fulfilment in your life.

Who is the most important person......

Having shared a lot about me over the last 11 months I felt Papa say it was time to write something for you. Something to encourage you and let you know just how much you are loved. So here goes.

I want you to think for a moment and answer the following questions. Do you know who the most important person on the planet is right now and do you know what makes them so important?

I'm guessing lots of different answers came to people but I doubt that many of them will match mine! What your answer was will depend, I think, on where you live and the lens you view the world through, that is, your life experience. You may of thought of the leader of a country, a celebrity from the music industry, the business world or from Hollywood. You may have thought of someone you love deeply, like your mum or your spouse or you may have even thought that you have no idea! Let me give you my answers.

The most important person in the world is you! 

Why? I can hear you asking as you come up with many reasons as to why this is not true. 

I am insignificant.

I am no good. 

I am nobody.

You would not say that if you knew me. 

You would not say that if you knew what I had done.

I am worthless.

I am unloveable.

I have no talents, there is nothing I am good at.

I can hear all these answers and more being said because they are the answers I would have given at one time. It was ludicrous, ridiculous, absolute insanity to consider that I was even important, never mind the most important person in the world. 

Nevertheless, the truth remains, you are the most important person in the world!

Why? I hear you ask again, well here is why. You are the most important person because God loves you. He loves you so much that he paid the highest price, the death of his Son, for you. Therefore, you truly are priceless because God thought you were worth sacrificing his only Son for. (John 3:16) Wow! You truly are priceless and he longs for you to know this, to find your worth in what he says about you and not the lies you have heard from the world throughout your life. 

The night before he was crucified Jesus was in anguish, he knew what was coming and that it was a very hard path he had to walk. He even asked God if there was another way, though throughout he was committed to fulfilling the will of God. Do you know what the bible says got Jesus through? What enabled him to endure the cross? The bible says it was the joy set before him and that joy was the thought of relationship with you. That joy was the thought of seeing you redeemed to be the person you were created to be. You! You! You! You were not only the reason that Jesus endured the cross but you were the joy he looked forward to as his reward for it. How mind blowing is that?

You are so precious to God that before the beginning of time he planned a way to redeem you and bring you back into his eternal plans and purposes for you, to bring you back into relationship with him. Jesus died to pay for your sin, paying your debt so that you could know God, then he rose again conquering sin and death and taking back all authority from satan. No longer does satan have any right to your life when you have asked Jesus into your heart. When you ask Jesus to be your Saviour you become a new creation, your old sinful nature is dead and you become free to live life like Jesus did. He becomes your role model and Holy Spirit becomes your helper, your counsellor and your guide in this new journey you embark on.

Wow! It really is that simple, God loves you and wants you to know it and to be in relationship with him. He wants you to know your identity as his son or daughter, secure in his love for you. He wants you to be able to face whatever life has in store with you with him, knowing he will never leave or forsake you and that his grace is always sufficient for you. I truly can testify to that being the truth even in the most difficult of circumstances and if you have read my early posts then you know the truth of that.

I want to challenge you today, do you know Jesus as your Saviour? Do you have a relationship with him? Do you know how much you are loved and how amazing you are? Do you know that he has a plan and a purpose for you and that it is all good? Do you know that you will spend eternity with God?

If you cannot answer yes to these questions then I want to ask you to invite Jesus into your heart. He is waiting for you to ask. He wants to lavish love on you and give you your true identity. It's not hard, all you need to do is repent of your sin (this means to turn around from and walk away from your sin and turn towards him), ask God for forgiveness, invite him to live in your heart and ask Holy Spirit to fill you. Then thank and praise God that you are a new creation! 

There is no set prayer, this is not religion, this is a relationship. If you have decided to talk to Jesus and ask him to come into you, welcome to the family! Please find a local church where they will welcome you and disciple you. If you have not talked to Jesus, I bless you to continue on your journey of discovery.