Is all you are and all you have truly mine?

This is probably one of the hardest posts I've had to write, not because it exposes lots of vulnerability but because I want it to be about my process with Papa and not what I have done. It is about the process of holding things lightly, of being willing to lay it all down for Jesus, of being willing to be love whatever the cost. It is an ongoing process but I want to share how God has brought me this far. I pray you are blessed, encouraged and challenged as you read.

So, when I arrived in America I brought with me enough money to do 2 years at BSSM if I was wise with my money. This was my security and I had planned to give away about 10% of my monthly budget on top of my tithe. Generous, I thought but Papa had other ideas! In the 4 months I have been here I have spent almost 2 months budget on blessing others as Papa has asked, about 5 times as much as I had budgeted for. As you can probably imagine this has brought up some great challenges for me! 

On top of asking me to give of my finances Papa has been asking me to give away some of my belongings too and so as directed I have given away my camera, a prophetic painting and my raincoat. Each of these has had a different pull on me; the camera my husband bought me, the picture was expensive and it was raining when I gave away the coat!

Whenever Papa challenges me I know he is asking me the following questions:

Is all you are and have truly mine?

What would be too much cost/sacrifice to follow me?

What is the one in front of you that I am asking you to love worth?

Is your security in your money or me?

These questions are truly challenging me and changing the way I view myself, my possessions and all the people I meet every day. My current answers to these questions are:

More of me is truly God's today than it was yesterday but there is still more of me I can give. My desire is to reach that point of complete surrender and therefore, I will keep listening, keep obeying because I know Papa knows what needs to change in me for that to happen.

I know that there is no cost or sacrifice too great for me to give to follow Jesus but I also know that I will still struggle with some of them as I walk out obedience.

The one before me he asks me to love is priceless and therefore, worth everything I am or have to show them their value. Myself and my possessions are meaningless, especially in the light of someone's eternal destiny. I am learning to walk in this knowledge daily.

I realised that my security, at least financially, was in my cash in the bank and that Papa needed to change that. I know he can provide for all my needs and will so am learning to just give as he directs and not worry or wonder about future provision.

So why did I tell you all this? I told you because I believe Papa is awakening me to the realities of walking wholly with him, the realities of seeing lives impacted by what I do and the reality of saying all I am is yours to him, the reality of counting the cost and that this message is for everyone. Does it mean giving away everything you own? Maybe, but most likely not. It just means placing our security in him and not in our jobs, our finances, our possessions or anything else of this world and holding all things lightly and being willing to let go as he directs.

Papa's love looks like something and sometimes that something it looks like costs us more than just our time or a little inconvenience. Here are a couple of stories that show this from my recent experiences:

I gave the prophetic picture away to a girl in my revival group and seeing the transformation it has helped to bring to her in regards to her beauty is amazing. Papa's love looked like a picture to remind her she is in his heart and only beautiful things can be found there.

I gave my raincoat to a homeless lady who was very wet and took her other coats to wash and dry. Papa's love looked like practically helping her get dry and to stay that way.

I bought a sleeping bag, rucksack and clothes for a young 19 year old homeless girl who had nothing. Papa's love looked like a warm night's sleep and some new clothes and a young girl having the smallest thought that she might be worth something.

Papa's love looks like my housemate, Amy, stepping out of her comfort zone to buy a homeless couple food and a tent so that they can be dry on their travels and not me hungry.

Papa's love looks like my housemate, Lizzie, paying the bill for the car behind us in the drive through so that they feel blessed in their day.

Papa's love looks like something, it can look like a smile, a friendly greeting, a prayer, a prophetic word, food, a coffee or a bed for the night, a holiday or anything else that he asks us to do. It truly is whatever he is asking us to do to love the one in front of us. I have chosen to take up the challenge and live sacrificially the best I can, will you?

I pray that everyone of you will have a wonderful, joy filled Christmas and that 2015 will bring the abundant blessings of God into your life. You are amazing!

San Francisco!

I so love the guys I get to do city service with in San Francisco. They are a mixture of first, second and third years with a couple of volunteers too. They are awesome and it is such a privilege to love on the people of this city with them. Every one of them is unique and they all have things that I can learn from and I am eager to learn as much as I can. This last weekend we were in San Francisco for the second time as a group and it was wonderful.

We went at first to Union Square and with my friend Rebeccah (a third year) we talked to a street magician and bought chocolate for his girlfriend, we chatted and encouraged a man who has been carrying a banner saying Jesus loves you around Union Square 6 days a week for 10 years. I wonder what would happen if every Christian was as committed as he was to the destiny they believe God has called them too? We also got to bless, encourage and prophesy over several homeless people. It was wonderful, I love calling out the gold in people and seeing the impact that has on them as they see something greater in themselves than they thought possible. We also blessed them practically too as Jesus fed the hungry and didn't just preach at them!

In the evening we went to Castro to love on the guys there. It is the homosexual district of San Francisco and is very vibrant on a Friday night. Three of us went to speak to a homeless guy as Cindy (a third year) felt God said we should talk with him. He was hungry so we bought him a burrito and listened as he shared with us. His first reaction was that we were the answer to his prayer as he had been speaking with his higher power about bringing someone to help him. He told us about his recent relationship breakdown, his suicidal tendencies and his feelings of complete inadequacy as he couldn't even kill himself. Cindy led him in a prayer of salvation and he truly met Jesus that night as he was healed of back and shoulder pain. As we went to leave he asked could we keep in touch and we have been encouraging him since. Please pray that he gets to his mother's house in Southern California this week as that would be a great move for him and bring some stability. The rest of the team were giving free hugs and spiritual readings and we had some amazing conversations through this, people are so open when you approach them in love as people and not as a project!

On the Saturday we went to Pier 39 and got to see a homeless man healed of shoulder pain and to bless a couple who had been on the street for 30 years. I also got to eat clam chowder, see the seals and eat ice-cream outside in December, all new experiences for me and thoroughly enjoyed.

It was a great trip and I am blown away by the faithfulness of God when we are willing to step out in love and join in with what he is doing. I am starting to head out one night a week in Redding too and beginning to build relationship with some of the guys and girls here. I love it, they are so open to being encouraged, prayed for and hearing about God. I stepped out recently while shopping with a word of knowledge about knee pain for the cashier and though it was not right, she did ask me to pray for her back! Learning just to be bold and go for it, I don't want to not step out and deny someone a touch from God. So looking forward to bringing this back with me to the UK over Christmas.

I hope you have been encouraged as you have read this. There will be another post very soon about the stuff God has been speaking to me about the price I am willing to pay to follow him. I pray you are blessed in this Christmas season. Thanks for reading.

My smile melts Papa's heart

I want to tell you that I am beautiful and that my smile melts my Papa's heart. Wow! A couple of weeks ago I would not of been able to tell you that. I would have been able to tell you I was beautiful, at least in Papa's eyes but seeing or thinking of my smile as beautiful was not in my thinking. 

As I arrived in America I was very aware of everyone's beautiful teeth and this made me more and more aware of my far from perfect protruding teeth. I had been aware of this in the UK but it became much more apparent here. Since arriving I had become even more self conscious in photos (and yes, to those of you who know me, that is possible!) never doing more than a closed mouth half smile not wanting my teeth to show. I had also started, pretty subconsciously, to cover my mouth with my hands much, much more than I ever had before. This was how I was up until last week and then Papa stepped in and as he does he turned my thinking on its head.

It all started as with one of my friends sharing a testimony in our revival group of how God had shown her she was beautiful through a class she had taken. Her testimony was really powerful. That night I was reading Captivating and as I reached the end of the chapter tears were falling as I asked Papa the question, am I beautiful? I didn't wait for an answer but went to sleep. The next morning as we were spending time together Papa said I needed to know that I was not just beautiful to him (he had shown me a few ago earlier that I am his most beautiful creation) but that I am beautiful to everyone who sees me and my smile plays a big part in my beauty. Wow! I knew this was true instantly but how did I renew my mind to believe it?

Papa had me refute the lie that my teeth stopped me being beautiful and had me declare (and add to my daily declarations) that I am beautiful. He also said that he wanted me to not cover my mouth when I talk and to smile whenever I felt conscious of my teeth. Having learnt that obedience is the best way, I said yes! After this I was face timing a friend in the UK and she asked me where my smile had gone. How awesome is God's timing! During worship at school Papa told me that my smile melts his heart. Wow! After this I saw the girl who had shared her testimony in revival group the day before and shared with her how Papa had used her testimony in me. I wanted to bless and encourage her but she prayed for me and blessed me mightily when she prayed that my smile melts Papa's heart. I love how Papa does that. I was blown away.

When I got home from school I had a photo taken of me smiling and posted it on my revival group facebook page with the words, 'this is my testimony today, I am beautiful and my smile melts Papa's heart'. I knew Papa had said I should do this and it was confirmed to be right as it was a hard thing to do and I cried as I wrote the words. As always my amazing revival group made lots of loving and encouraging comments on my post. They are truly an awesome bunch of people and I love doing life with them this year.

After this I asked my housemates and another friend to keep me accountable, especially about covering my mouth with my hand. It had become such a habit that I was not aware of doing it but knew that it needed to stop. I also knew that I had to post a smiling picture on my main profile but did not want to just post one for no reason. Thankfully, on the Saturday it was the Holiday Feast at Bethel, an opportunity to bless around 400 disadvantaged people with a great meal and lots of love, and as my housemates and I were serving we had our picture taken together. I smiled and it was posted on facebook. 

Strange as it may sound, these few things and declaring each day that I am beautiful and that my smile melts Papa's heart heart have had a dramatic effect. The proof of this is that on Sunday a friend came round and said she had to take pictures of beauty and wanted to take pictures of me, without batting an eyelid I said yes and we went outside and took them. Wow! She wanted pictures of beauty and I knew I fit the bill with my wonderful smile. So blessed! 

I love how when we tell Papa that all we are belongs to him and give him permission to bring healing and make us more like Jesus, that's exactly what he does. He is so faithful, so loving, so kind and wants to see us made whole more than we want to be made whole. 

So, is that the end of the story? Definitely not, each day I continue to declare that I am beautiful and my smile melts Papa's heart. Sometimes it is pointed out to me that my hand is covering my mouth and I have to choose to move it away. The good news is though that day by day I step more and more into the freedom that knowing I am beautiful brings and soon I will not need reminding at all.

I hope you have been encouraged wherever you are on your journey by this. Just remember, we are all made in the image of God and Jesus was the model for us all. Jesus is beautiful and therefore, being made in his image we are beautiful too. Believing anything less is saying the Creator did a bad job! I bless you to know that you too are beautiful and that your smile melts Papa's heart.