A change in perspective

Here goes for blog number 3 and me becoming more disciplined in my writing. 

It’s quite hard, whenever I am not sat at the computer to write I think of lots of things that I would like to put down on paper and share but then when I do sit down to write it is a different story.  However, there is often one thing that sticks out and seems to want to be written and usually it is the thing I would least like to write about.  It feels like that with this post and for the first time I am realising why, it’s when I am still in process because it feels like I’m putting my heart out there on a plate!  Well here goes with my heart…….

So, God is always good and does not cause or allow my sickness, it is the result of living in a fallen world and his will is always to heal.  This is an easy truth for me to stand on, especially when I am fit and healthy.  It becomes harder when I have to hold that truth in tension with a diagnosis that says I am not healthy and I am not seeing his healing now! 

I do believe that a medical healing is not a second class healing as Paul Manwaring says.  However, I am pondering whether it is full healing if there are parts of me missing (if God does not supernaturally heal me I will be having a full hysterectomy).  In heaven, I will be whole and that is my portion now, that is what Jesus did when he was whipped, he paid in full for all my sickness and disease.  I don’t understand all of this but I do trust that God is good, it is his will to heal me and that whether that is through a supernatural intervention or through surgery he will work all things for good in this process.  It is hard though!

There is nothing wrong with being in this place of tension and not understanding.  In fact, when I give up my right to understand it is much easier to receive peace and I am walking in peace, at least most of the time.  I have had such wonderful times with God showing me how to view my circumstances from his perspective, that is, remembering that I am sat in heavenly places and therefore, I look down at them.  Any Goliath looks rather pathetic in size when you are looking down at it from the highest of heights! 

If only I could say that I have this perspective and it never gets shaken but that would not be truth.  The truth is I am trusting in this new perspective and the good that I already see that God is going to work out of this (I only see a small part but it is still very good!) but I still have moments of seeing my Goliath through my own eyes and without God’s perspective.  That’s when anxiety and fear have the opportunity to step in and I am having to learn to capture my thoughts quickly to Jesus in a whole new way.

This morning someone told me that it took them a year to fully recover from a hysterectomy and my immediate reaction was to feel panic.  I did not like the thought of 8-12 weeks recovery (though God has changed my perspective by talking to me about what a great chance that will be to write) but a year, my first thought was I would go crazy!  Thankfully, Holy Spirit is my Guide and gives me wise counsel and I chose not to receive that truth as mine and as soon as I did, my peace returned.  So thankful that I get to partner on this journey with him.

The hardest moments, to be honest, are when I am on my own and tired, especially if I am at home.  Then I think about the fact that I will not be able to recover in my own home, at least to begin with.  Once I allow the thoughts to start then others join them and I think about not being able to drive, to do my laundry, to make myself a cup of coffee and it can all become a little overwhelming.  I am learning that I have a choice though, I can either choose to dwell on the thoughts or to give them to Jesus and declare the truth that he will turn all these circumstances to my good, even if I cannot see how.  I am grateful that I seem to be learning this quickly and so the times of feeling overwhelmed are few and over within a few moments. 

As I learn to partner with Holy Spirit to walk out this journey well I have already found some good in my journey.  For many years I have wanted to get fitter and take better care of myself but have always struggled with motivation.  I do well for a couple of weeks and then it all falls away and it takes another few months to get the motivation back.  Well, this journey has given me fresh motivation because I want to partner with God and be as fit as I can be should I need to spend time on an operating table.  Such a blessing!  To this end I have a friend who is going to be my personal trainer until my operation.  Amazing, someone whose very job it is to keep me motivated, what a gift!  

Already I get a little peak of the good that will come out of this journey.  Whether I have to have an operation or not, I will be fitter and healthier and caring for my body better.  If I want to run for God until I am a hundred then I need to care for the machinery he has given me to do it and this journey has given me an added boost to my motivation to make that happen.  I believe I am actually getting excited for this journey.  How amazing is that!

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!