Wow! Oblivion!



So why have I started this blog with a picture of the Oblivion ride at Alton Towers? Well, I realised on Sunday that it was only 7 weeks until my last time with my wonderful church family and it's roller coaster scary and exciting. You know what I mean, that feeling of nervousness and anticipation as you reach the top before the long drop, you know it is going to be amazing but a little scary too! I shared that with a dear friend and they shared a picture that had been given at a recent meeting that Papa brought to mind. The picture was of Oblivion and the vertical drop in the ride literally takes your breath away. Wow! Papa was saying that this next step, this scary but exciting step, is going to take my breath away. How awesome is that! 

The next 8 weeks, I fly on 20th August, are full of a combination of sorting bits and pieces out and a lot of goodbyes. It is a strange feeling trying to stay focussed on the present and all that Papa wants to do today while saying lots of goodbyes and being so excited about my next season but the journey has already started. Each and every day is part of it and if I look for it Papa has opportunities for me to grow and step out in faith and boldness. I truly am blessed in this season as well as the one to come.

Just want to share a quick story of me trying and in part succeeding, to step out in faith and boldness. Last Sunday I went for lunch with a friend and we went to Frankie and Benny's, my first ever meal in one, how sad is that! Anyway, we had a great waiter and I said to my friend I was asking Papa for a word for him. When we came to pay for the meal I decided it was now or never, I either was bold and gave him the word or I would chicken out and never know what could have been. So, I told him what I thought Papa had said and, though he did not see it as directly relating to him, he then told us of how his son had died 3 years ago and about his life since then. Wow! That was not quite what I was expecting. However, we then got to declare peace over his life and we left. Did Jesus touch him through us, I think so, I'm sure he does not tell all his customers about the loss of his son. What difference did our input have? I don't know but I would hope he now knows that God cares about his situation if nothing else. It was important for me though, I have learnt that I would rather step out and look foolish than stay quiet and miss out on seeing what God can and will do through me.

That's it for now. Hope you enjoyed this and are encouraged for your own journey, wherever you are on it. Be blessed!

So why do I call him Papa?

I have had a few comments and questions from people about calling God Papa, so I thought I would tell you a little of my journey to knowing the Father's heart for me. I hope you are blessed, challenged and encouraged as you read.

17 years ago when I met Jesus I did not know the Father's heart, people told me about it but I did not get it. I had head knowledge but no heart knowledge, that is, I could tell you what the bible said about his heart for me but I had not had personal revelation or experience of it. About 4 months after meeting Jesus I walked away, drugs, sex and low self esteem pulled me back, I understood them even if I did not like them and this was the pattern of my life for nearly 3 years. In that time I spent far more time away from God than I spent with him but thankfully he is patient and he knows us better than we know ourselves and he drew me back.

The Christmas of 1998 a friend gave me Floyd McClure's book 'The Father Heart of God' for Christmas and, as I was still not walking with God at that time, I ignored it. On the tag it said that she knew she was to get me this particular book and had hunted to find it. Then in January 1999 I came back to God for the last time and shortly after felt drawn to read the book I had been given at Christmas. Wow! I don't remember the specifics about the book, I remember crying a lot, I remember saying to God that there had to be a chapter I was not in, I remember realising that my vision had been blurred by my experience of earthly father's and that had distorted how I saw God as Father. The book was literally life changing for me, what people had been telling me began to be personal revelation as I encountered Father in that book. I remember going to church the next Sunday and having tears streaming down my face as I sang of Father God, for the first time it truly meant something good!

Over the next few weeks Father God, as I always called him then, began to open my eyes to things. He showed me that one of the main reasons for my running from him so much was that I wanted to prove that, like my earthly fathers, he would abandon me (this was how I saw my biological father) or he would hurt me (how I saw my step father). Though I now knew that Father God was the perfect Father and loved me unconditionally I still had a long journey to rid my vision completely of all the distortions they had. However, at the time, this revelation was revolutionary and meant that I could trust God because he loved me and this led to the start of my healing journey. Awesome!

Over the years I have had a lot of healing but there have been some key moments specifically linked with God as my Father. There are others, often mixed in with healing for other things but these are the main ones.

The first thing God had to know was overcome my belief that I was a mistake. Wow! I still remember how awesome and amazing it felt to know that he had known about me before the creation of the world. I may have been a mistake in other people's eyes but not in Father God's. 

The next thing he showed me was that I was never alone, he was and always had been with me, even through all the bad stuff. In 1997 I went to Wales with my son to stay with some ladies I had met at Faith camp. As soon as I arrived I started writing down every horrible memory I had, it was like I was compelled to do it. When I had been there a couple of days the ladies said that they felt they should pray for me so that was what they did that night. All I remember is that I started crying and then I started asking God why? If he loved me why had all these horrible things happened to me? Why did he let it happen? God then showed me how through it all, through every horrible memory his hand had been upholding me, he had never left me. He told me he loved me and had a plan for my future that would mean none of my experience would be wasted. Where tears of pain had fallen at the start of the evening, tears of healing fell followed by tears of joy. How awesome is that!

A few years later when I was at Christian Praise in Leicester the speaker talked about God as Father. As he was speaking I began crying and was soon sobbing loudly. Don't you just love it when God picks the very public moments to bring healing? I did not really know what the tears were for but knew God was doing something. When ministry was offered at the end, I ran down the stairs to get there, whatever God wanted to do I wanted it! A lovely old lady asked me what I wanted prayer for, I fell on my knees and told her I had no idea. I was still sobbing. The lady said that God wanted me to climb on his lap. Aaargghhh! That terrified me but I did not know why. Next the lady said that I was scared because I thought God would want more from me than I wanted to give. I thought God would be like my step father and hurt me. Wow! That lovely lady heard clearly from Father and because of it helped me to let go of my fear and climb onto my Father's lap. What a moment!

Throughout this time God had been working on my identity, showing me how he saw me and the next big step into his Father's heart came when he showed me I was a princess. This was a major hurdle for me to overcome as I had always seen princesses as cute and pink and this was not me! One day when I was on a retreat with some ladies from church we had some free time. As we were in beautiful countryside I went for a walk to chat with Father. During that time and the rest of the retreat day he showed me an amazing picture of me as his princess. I was clothed in the most awesome purple dress (my favourite colour and a sign of royalty) that was actually battle ready. I had on boots and a silver helmet that included a beautiful crown. Wow! As he showed me this he asked how I could refuse to accept the identity he declared over me. Simply, I could not and he gave me fresh revelation to me that day of my royal status as the daughter of the King. Amazing.

At this time I started talking to Father about how I related to him because with all he was revealing and the relationship he was drawing me into I wanted more! I could not call him Daddy as this just felt really alien to me so I started by just calling him Abba. It was amazing and led to me knowing his Father's heart for me even more as I grew in intimacy with him.

As I was growing in calling him Abba I heard someone call him Papa and I knew instantly that God was inviting me to do that and to know a new level of intimacy. Wow! Now, he is my Papa, he is also Almighty God and, though I am privileged to have intimacy with him, I never forget that he is the Creator, the Alpha and Omega, the Great I Am. I don't get it, how could I call Almighty God, Papa? All I know, is that this is the relationship he wants with me, with all of us who know him. He is our loving Father, the perfect Father and like our fathers (if we have good examples) want intimacy, relationship and conversation with their children, so does he, just more!

I love that God is my Papa, as it means he wants to encourage me, to spend time with me, to know me, not just to discipline me, though he does discipline those he loves and I have lots of stories of this too. I love that every day, if I take the time to listen, he whispers wonderful things to me. He has told me that he loves my bounce and my enthusiasm, that he sees me as exceedingly brave and courageous, that I am beautiful, that I am his forever and he will always be my Papa. Wow! Each of these things came at a time when it was just what I needed to hear and I can truly say that I would not be where I am today without my Papa.

I hope you are encouraged as you read this to know that your Heavenly Father loves you and longs for greater intimacy with you, with all of us, there is always more. Awesome!

Wow! Families are Papa's business!

If you read my first post and know a little of my life story, then you probably realise that my family are pretty dysfunctional. Thankfully though Papa is in the business of bringing reconciliation, restoration and relationship where once there was only pain. Wow! He is awesome.

Before I tell you about heartache and reconciliation with my son and my mum I want to tell you how Papa taught me about family through my hubby's family. It was a long and often difficult journey but now, though my husband may not be here to unite us anymore, I can say with all my heart that they are my family. Amazing!

When I first met my husband's family I really struggled with feeling accepted and part of the family. This had absolutely nothing to do with them, they were welcoming, loving and wonderful but had everything to do with my experience and low self esteem and self worth. I was convinced they would think that my husband had scraped the bottom of the barrel with me and that he could and should do much better. For about the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage I avoided all big gatherings and my husband and son would go on their own. I never thought about how this may affect them, I was just terrified of family. I know it sounds bizarre but I didn't get family, how it worked or how you interacted and so I stayed away. I was also afraid they would ask questions about my family and past and I did not want to reinforce, what I thought was their belief, that I was not good enough for my husband. I knew I was not good enough for him!

The only family event I could not avoid was Christmas when we would all head to my husband's sister's house. Thankfully this was only immediate family but I still struggled hugely and for the first few years my way of coping was to drink too much. An old and faithful safety mechanism I had that Papa had not yet dealt with. Praise God that he has now! My husband would comment on this as it would disappoint him but none of his family would and I would always be welcomed back with open arms. As this happened year after year I began to realise that I was loved and accepted and became part of the family. Wow! What a privilege to be accepted into their family!

On to my own family which has always struggled with being family, it's not that we do not love each other, we just did not know how to relate and interact with one another and that always led to communication difficulties. Thankfully, Papa had a different plan for my relationship with my mum and my son.

My relationship with my mum has been strained for many, many years and it has been many years since I have tried to make any real effort. There are lots of reasons behind this but one of the main ones was my unrealistic expectations. When my husband died God spoke to me about contacting my mum and building relationship before it was too late. I knew this was right, especially when he used a dear friend to confirm it with a very clear word! I wrote to my mum and we arranged to meet. As I travelled over I just wanted to be love my mum, no expectations and no agenda. Praise God that he is always faithful and that is exactly what happened and we had a lovely time. We have met again since and are planning a night away before I leave for California. So amazed by how God truly can bring restoration into broken relationships if we are willing to hear his voice and follow his lead. Love it!

With my son, we had not spoken for about two and a half years when my husband died but our relationship had struggled for a long time before this. In August 2011 my son became a dad himself but I had never met my grandson. My son came to my husband's funeral, he arrived the night before so we were able to meet for the first time without lots of people around. It was not easy for either of us but it was good. We agreed the past was behind us and what we did I to the future was all that was important. Wow! How I had longed to be able to say it and I know that he did too, however our pasts had helped shape our relationship in ways that meant it took a tragedy for things to change.

Since then I am pleased to say my relationship with my son is growing and growing on much healthier foundations. It still has a way to go but I visit monthly and we Skype weekly. I truly feel accepted into his family with his partner and of course, my precious grandson. I even had the privilege of taking them on their first holiday a few weeks ago, truly awesome!

The reasons for the rifts in my family are not important, what is important is the grace and mercy of God that longs to bring reconciliation, restoration and healthy relationships. Though it is generally a hard path to follow the results far outweigh the cost. I am thrilled now that I have such an amazing family who I see regularly, they are so special and I long to see them reach their potential. I am truly blessed!

Lastly, just to keep you up to date with the house, contracts should be exchanged either at the end of June or the beginning of July. My plan is that the house will be empty by the end of this week though and already for when the date comes through.

I hope you have been encouraged by this, especially if you have relationships in your own life that need God to intervene. He truly can turn things on their head and bring joy out of the darkest night. Be blessed.

Obedience, visa fun, Cherish and what comes after Bethel - exciting times!

So, here we are again and thankfully, or at least I hope you think it's thankfully, this post has taken a lot less time. I pray that you do not feel too inundated with three posts in about a week but just feel blessed and encouraged. Enjoy!

Firstly, I want to talk about obedience as Papa has been teaching me about this. He wants me to be obedient and do as he asks but rather than just obey I have always sought confirmation before stepping out when I have heard from him. Now, it is not wrong to seek confirmation but recently Papa clearly told me that he wanted me to be obedient to what he tells me immediately and not check it out first. He told me to trust that he knows my heart is to be obedient and he can ensure that I always end up on the right path even when I mishear, which of course I do. He told me that the worst that will happen is I will look foolish but then I can manage that on my own, so no worries there then! I love that he has a sense of humour! So that is what I am now endeavouring to do and below, where I tell you about my plans for my future after Bethel, is the first big thing that I've stepped out with. But hey, what's the worst that can happen?

I got my visa last week to allow me to go to America but for a moment it was a bit touch and go. Well, it would have been, if I did not know God was calling me to Bethel and no man, not even the US government, can thwart his plans! When I filled in the online part of the visa form it asked lots of questions about criminal convictions that I could happily tick no to but then it asked about illegal drug use. Oops! I know I have not used an illegal drug for 15 years but I did use for 17 years so could not tick no with integrity, so I ticked yes and gave them a brief explanation. The form completed and my interview booked I thought no more about it.

The first part of my visa interview entailed handing in various bits of paperwork, having my fingerprints taken and filling in a form about my drug use and criminal convictions. You could see the confusion on the poor man's face when I said I had no convictions, he could not work out why I had ticked yes. After a lengthy wait I went for my actual visa interview. Lots of questions about where I was going and why, how I would fund myself and what would I do when I came back, all went really smoothly. Then we came to the drugs question and again I was asked about any convictions. I explained that I had no convictions and saw the same confused look come over the lady's face that the previous man had had. I decided to explain that I endeavour to live my life with integrity and ticking no to drug use, though they would not have known anything different, I would have known I had lied and I could not do it. Bemused, the lady said she would be a few minutes as she had to check something. I could hear her talking to, I assume, her supervisor saying that similar cases would usually be refused due to drug use and criminal offending but I had no convictions so she was unsure what to do. After a few minutes she came back and told me I had been granted a visa and asked if she could ask a question. The question was, what made the difference? My response, I met Jesus! I think there may have been some interesting discussions that day in the embassy because I chose to walk with integrity and not take the easy option.

Next, I would like to tell you a little about Cherish. Cherish is a women's conference run by Abundant Life Church in Bradford and all I really knew about it was it was girly. I am not girly so never intended to go but God had other ideas! A friend was going and her roommate dropped out so she asked me. No! That was my initial thought but God turned my no into a yes, he's good at that, even when it is a surprise to us. So I went wondering why and in quite a negative way if truth be told. Why did I want to go to Cherish when I was going to Bethel? On the first night one of the first things the host said was that the conference was not just about being girly but about seeking the more of God, the miraculous, the signs and wonders. Wow! Immediately I was asking Papa for forgiveness for my arrogance and negative attitude and declaring I was open to anything and everything he wanted to do in me while I was there.

The next 2 days were just full of amazing confirmations that all I am believing God for is right (will tell you more after this below) and that what I see is only the start because his vision is far greater than mine, it is bigger than I think. Wow! I am called to be the woman who rises in the darkness and brings the light! On the last night as we were worshipping Jesus and singing that all we are belongs to him because he paid the highest price for us, Holy Spirit did something deep within me, he undid me and changed me on the inside. I am still walking out the revelation of this but know I am his in a new way, more yielded, more surrendered, willing to lay down my life for his sake. Wow! What a privilege!

Now to finish this post off I have left what I think is the best until last. My apologies if you disagree! So what is my future, the destiny I was created for? I was created to heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give. (Matthew 10:8 NIV) Awesome! Truly though, this is the destiny of every believer so how has Papa called me to fulfil this amazing calling? Where will my unique experience and character with Holy Spirit truly make me the woman who rises in the darkness and brings the light? Well, I am called to make my home on one of the poorest estates in Leicester and see it transformed through the power of the Gospel. Wow! I will bring the kingdom of heaven to my neighbourhood because he lives in me and I live to see him made famous. What an honour. Now I see why I need to go to Bethel, I need to be trained and equipped to walk this out.

As if this wasn't enough, I am also called to be a fire starter. To ignite and encourage passion and vision in others, to see them make my ceiling their floor and allow Papa to do things I cannot even dream of through them. Wow! I have big vision. I will see an estate transformed. I will see the lame walk and the dead rise but I am called to ignite a generation who will do even greater things to see their King, King Jesus, made famous. I am humbled by the magnitude of all he is entrusting to me and so excited to be able to partner with Holy Spirit to see it happen.

What else can I say but wow? He truly does take the foolish things of this world to shame the wise, the weak things of this world to shame the strong and I am so thankful for that. I know along the way I will make mistakes and will look foolish but in truth, I would rather look foolish for Jesus than wise for me. I hope you have been encouraged to press on for more as you have read this because your destiny is amazing. If you believe in Jesus then you were created to partner with Holy Spirit to do greater things than he did and he raised Lazarus from the dead after 4 days!

I want to be a covenant friend!

A friend sent me this after reading about me and my roomies for Bethel in my last post. It is by Sarah De Jong who has just finished first year at Bethel. I think it is amazing and describes the kind of friend I aim to be. Hope you are encouraged and challenged by it.
"A covenant friend is one who lays down her life for her friends. She is there through the good times and bad. She never lets her love run out or dry up. She makes time for those she loves and prays for them often. She chases after their dreams and is their greatest cheerleader. She is a comfort and encouragement when times are hard. She joins in the fight for their freedom and prosperity. She treasures their promises like they are her own and keeps them safe, under guard, in a special place in her heart. She is a refiner to them, like iron sharpening iron. She brags about them in public and confronts them gently in private. She refuses to let them hide in fear or shame but always covers their vulnerability with honour and love. She pursues connection and refuses to take offence when misunderstandings occur. She prioritises good communication. She is a platform that launches her friends into their destinies. She celebrates all their victories and laughs with joy. She sits with them in the ashes when things have gone wrong. But she doesn't do this all in her own strength, for what heart can love that much on its own? Oh no, it's the love of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, out of the overflow."

Finally, let me introduce you to my amazing Bethel roomies or God's immeasurably more!

Firstly, I need to say sorry as a couple of people have been asking me when my next post was coming but things have been a bit hectic so it took quite a bit longer than I anticipated. Hopefully you will enjoy it and be blessed by reading it and will forgive me the slight delay!

Although I did not specifically talk to God about housing for Bethel it was on my mind, even before I was accepted. How do you find room mates and housing 5000 miles away when you do not know how it all works? Thankfully Papa knew my concerns and already had his immeasurably more provision ready for me.

As soon as I was accepted I went on to the BSSM housing bulletin board (I had looked a couple of times before but had not seen anything that seemed helpful). This time was different, the second post down was from a 47 year old lady looking for roomies from September. I emailed straight away and asked if we could Skype sometime. That was Wednesday night. The next morning I had an email back introducing Amy. We continued to email backwards and forwards and by Saturday morning we both knew we wanted to share and believed this was Papa's provision. Wow, in under 3 days I had a roomie!

Amy is American (Papa's sense of humour there!) and her family live in Arizona. For the last 11 years she has been a librarian at an international school in Malaysia. She has her own fab story of how Papa provided me as a roomie for her too, she gave him 3 days to provide and he did. Wow! .

On the Sunday morning I had an email from Amy including an email she had received from a lady called Lizzie. The email showed lots of pictures of a lovely house and asked Amy if she would like to share as Lizzie needed two people to share with. Amy's question to me was what did I think. NO was what I thought. I liked the idea of Amy and I sharing but did not really care to add a third. However, before I replied I thought I would think about it. As it was, Holy Spirit had it in mind to talk to me about it and in no uncertain terms too!

Firstly, he asked me how I would feel if Amy and Lizzie had met first and I was the third trying to find roomies? This made me think maybe we should consider it but I definitely was not convinced. Is three not a crowd? At this Holy Spirit reminded me of Ecclesiastes 4:13, a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken. I have always thought of this in relation to marriage but Holy Spirit said there would be tough times at Bethel and if there was 3 of us there would always be two to support and encourage the third. This made sense but...... Finally Holy Spirit said that I should just accept the provision of an awesome house that Papa had provided for his 3 obedient daughters. Wow! At this I emailed Amy and told her all of the above and by the end of the day I had 2 fabulous roomies and a gorgeous house! God is so good!

So, to introduce Lizzie a little, she is 67 and lives in Kent. For the last few years she has been looking after her grandchildren while their parents work. She too has a great story of God's hand in her accommodation, at first she did not want to share with anyone but now feels blessed by her roomies!

So, within a week of being accepted at Bethel I had 2 amazing roomies and great house provision. This is such an awesome blessing as we are already getting to know each other with regular Skype conversations and Lizzie and I have been able to meet a couple of times. Just love that Papa really does prepare our ways before us, even when we have not specifically asked him about it, he knows what we need better than we know ourselves and he promises to always meet our needs.



News on the house is that everything is under way and we should complete the sale in the next 4 weeks. Woohoo! Actually really pleased to have a little extra time as I still have some stuff to sort out in the house!

There's so many other things I want to share that I am going to try to post once a week or at least once a fortnight. The difficulty is there are background things I still want to share, like family reconciliation and how amazing Papa has been in this, but then each week God is teaching me so much more and revealing new stuff to me and I want to share this too!

So, before I finish this blog I want to share a little of the journey God has had me on over the last few weeks and some of the amazing (at least I think they are amazing) revelations he has given me. Here goes!

Papa delights in me when I do the simplest of things with joy as much as when I do amazing things with joy. Recently I was washing some walls and worshipping God as I did it. I was not being amazingly spiritual, it is simply that I do not like cleaning so worship makes it seem much more bearable! During the course of the morning I found that my heart was full of joy and I was actually enjoying what I was doing. When I stopped for lunch I continued reading Consumed by love by Duncan Smith and read the following:

'You have always been so busy thinking you are doing My work that you've had little time to hang out with Me. I want you to know that I don't need you to get the job done of saving the world. I love you and I want your friendship. That's what really counts. I want you to know that you bring as much glory and pleasure to Me sweeping these barns with your sweet heart attitude as you did when you were leading thousands to Me on that platform in Ghana.'

I stopped reading as I knew that was what I was meant to learn that day, Papa delights in me when I take joy in what I am doing, regardless of what it is I am doing or how simple or insignificant it seems to me. Wow, whether I'm saving the world or cleaning gutters Papa takes great delight and joy in me if I am doing it with joy!

I went on retreat in May as it would have been my husband's birthday and I thought a couple of days with God would be good and they were! Most of the time I was there I was chatting with others and all of them began to share the difficulties and problems they were facing. As I was praying I was saying to God that I felt like what I was doing was not enough, I wanted to bring them into encounter with Jesus. Holy Spirit immediately asked me what I thought I was doing and then said, they encounter Jesus because he is in you, that is why they open up and tell you things and then you speak God's wisdom into their lives, that is encounter. Wow, so blessed with that revelation!

Want to get this posted now so will end there but have so much more I want to share. I will endeavour to get another post out over the weekend so I can tell you about getting my visa, going to Cherish and God's awesome plans for my future after Bethel. Hope you have been blessed, I know I am!