I have had a few comments and questions from people about calling God Papa, so I thought I would tell you a little of my journey to knowing the Father's heart for me. I hope you are blessed, challenged and encouraged as you read.
17 years ago when I met Jesus I did not know the Father's heart, people told me about it but I did not get it. I had head knowledge but no heart knowledge, that is, I could tell you what the bible said about his heart for me but I had not had personal revelation or experience of it. About 4 months after meeting Jesus I walked away, drugs, sex and low self esteem pulled me back, I understood them even if I did not like them and this was the pattern of my life for nearly 3 years. In that time I spent far more time away from God than I spent with him but thankfully he is patient and he knows us better than we know ourselves and he drew me back.
The Christmas of 1998 a friend gave me Floyd McClure's book 'The Father Heart of God' for Christmas and, as I was still not walking with God at that time, I ignored it. On the tag it said that she knew she was to get me this particular book and had hunted to find it. Then in January 1999 I came back to God for the last time and shortly after felt drawn to read the book I had been given at Christmas. Wow! I don't remember the specifics about the book, I remember crying a lot, I remember saying to God that there had to be a chapter I was not in, I remember realising that my vision had been blurred by my experience of earthly father's and that had distorted how I saw God as Father. The book was literally life changing for me, what people had been telling me began to be personal revelation as I encountered Father in that book. I remember going to church the next Sunday and having tears streaming down my face as I sang of Father God, for the first time it truly meant something good!
Over the next few weeks Father God, as I always called him then, began to open my eyes to things. He showed me that one of the main reasons for my running from him so much was that I wanted to prove that, like my earthly fathers, he would abandon me (this was how I saw my biological father) or he would hurt me (how I saw my step father). Though I now knew that Father God was the perfect Father and loved me unconditionally I still had a long journey to rid my vision completely of all the distortions they had. However, at the time, this revelation was revolutionary and meant that I could trust God because he loved me and this led to the start of my healing journey. Awesome!
Over the years I have had a lot of healing but there have been some key moments specifically linked with God as my Father. There are others, often mixed in with healing for other things but these are the main ones.
The first thing God had to know was overcome my belief that I was a mistake. Wow! I still remember how awesome and amazing it felt to know that he had known about me before the creation of the world. I may have been a mistake in other people's eyes but not in Father God's.
The next thing he showed me was that I was never alone, he was and always had been with me, even through all the bad stuff. In 1997 I went to Wales with my son to stay with some ladies I had met at Faith camp. As soon as I arrived I started writing down every horrible memory I had, it was like I was compelled to do it. When I had been there a couple of days the ladies said that they felt they should pray for me so that was what they did that night. All I remember is that I started crying and then I started asking God why? If he loved me why had all these horrible things happened to me? Why did he let it happen? God then showed me how through it all, through every horrible memory his hand had been upholding me, he had never left me. He told me he loved me and had a plan for my future that would mean none of my experience would be wasted. Where tears of pain had fallen at the start of the evening, tears of healing fell followed by tears of joy. How awesome is that!
A few years later when I was at Christian Praise in Leicester the speaker talked about God as Father. As he was speaking I began crying and was soon sobbing loudly. Don't you just love it when God picks the very public moments to bring healing? I did not really know what the tears were for but knew God was doing something. When ministry was offered at the end, I ran down the stairs to get there, whatever God wanted to do I wanted it! A lovely old lady asked me what I wanted prayer for, I fell on my knees and told her I had no idea. I was still sobbing. The lady said that God wanted me to climb on his lap. Aaargghhh! That terrified me but I did not know why. Next the lady said that I was scared because I thought God would want more from me than I wanted to give. I thought God would be like my step father and hurt me. Wow! That lovely lady heard clearly from Father and because of it helped me to let go of my fear and climb onto my Father's lap. What a moment!
Throughout this time God had been working on my identity, showing me how he saw me and the next big step into his Father's heart came when he showed me I was a princess. This was a major hurdle for me to overcome as I had always seen princesses as cute and pink and this was not me! One day when I was on a retreat with some ladies from church we had some free time. As we were in beautiful countryside I went for a walk to chat with Father. During that time and the rest of the retreat day he showed me an amazing picture of me as his princess. I was clothed in the most awesome purple dress (my favourite colour and a sign of royalty) that was actually battle ready. I had on boots and a silver helmet that included a beautiful crown. Wow! As he showed me this he asked how I could refuse to accept the identity he declared over me. Simply, I could not and he gave me fresh revelation to me that day of my royal status as the daughter of the King. Amazing.
At this time I started talking to Father about how I related to him because with all he was revealing and the relationship he was drawing me into I wanted more! I could not call him Daddy as this just felt really alien to me so I started by just calling him Abba. It was amazing and led to me knowing his Father's heart for me even more as I grew in intimacy with him.
As I was growing in calling him Abba I heard someone call him Papa and I knew instantly that God was inviting me to do that and to know a new level of intimacy. Wow! Now, he is my Papa, he is also Almighty God and, though I am privileged to have intimacy with him, I never forget that he is the Creator, the Alpha and Omega, the Great I Am. I don't get it, how could I call Almighty God, Papa? All I know, is that this is the relationship he wants with me, with all of us who know him. He is our loving Father, the perfect Father and like our fathers (if we have good examples) want intimacy, relationship and conversation with their children, so does he, just more!
I love that God is my Papa, as it means he wants to encourage me, to spend time with me, to know me, not just to discipline me, though he does discipline those he loves and I have lots of stories of this too. I love that every day, if I take the time to listen, he whispers wonderful things to me. He has told me that he loves my bounce and my enthusiasm, that he sees me as exceedingly brave and courageous, that I am beautiful, that I am his forever and he will always be my Papa. Wow! Each of these things came at a time when it was just what I needed to hear and I can truly say that I would not be where I am today without my Papa.
I hope you are encouraged as you read this to know that your Heavenly Father loves you and longs for greater intimacy with you, with all of us, there is always more. Awesome!
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